meniru angin menyanyi

with balloons, balloon pump, magic color pens and a lil' bit of time and thought

2011-12-16T13:42:00.004+08:00

*le pompa bensin on jangan lupa namaku

this new fan can be quite cold. its blue and its awesome.

i never knew there's a person with the same name as mine a great vocalist. when i went to KJK this year there's a girl who carries my name and is also brilliant. and her teacher said she has a friend by the same name and they are constantly competing at school.

and then i had been reminded by a girl of same name carrying the head girl post two years after me at school.

can't name my own daughter by my name now, though :P

i have learnt that some people can be (oh my Allah) so annoying but also i have learnt that its not the way to treat them the way they deserve.

because they are just a small part of a grandest scheme of life, which means, well, they are not that important anyway.

dont know why lately i have been thinking about what i really should do in my life. i envy those who are masters in their field and are enjoying every bit of it.

i returned to my blank paper and mechanical pencil everytime, even though i am not very good at it.

also because i need to plan for my life projected 5 years beyond by which me myself have no idea what should it look like, make me constantly wonder.

i guess i just needed a time break. i know that my life hasnt been meaningless; they are just tiring a lot of times. i need to reset my objectives and start running. so much of conflicting responsibilities and interests, of loves and obligations.

i might start to lepak more at the kedai kopi ttfc after this, with a borrowed squash racket and its small ball. really, i have been practicing.

quite a new year resolution, i guess?

temporary

2011-11-25T16:37:00.001+08:00

there's this smell in the air when they are happy. the colour around us tinges when they laugh, i felt i could sketch them into pictures hung permanently on my mind. the time while waiting for our lunch and we played true or dare and mama also joined, and we had to skip the question of "who you hate the most in the house" when it was her turn. we made fun of each other and mama was coolest about it. and their faces when we sat real close to the cinema screen and we were eating popcorns and we laughed when Max punched Charlie after he succeeded bringing Atom on his own and spent the rest of the previous night trying to dig it out.

and after that we stopped by tutti frutti and made our own ice cream cup with chocolate, strawberry and vanilla flavors sprinkled with nuts, colorful ring cereals, M&Ms, chocolate rice, choc chips and marshmallows. we went back and everyone was smiling and we brought special food for afiq and awin at home. everything was perfect that day. i sat at the back seat on our way home and thought, 'man. i wish we had a bigger car so afiq and awin could join.'

everyone deserved it, the trip to OU. that's what i thought. ahnaf and rais were urging me to bring them earlier this month, and i said we had to postpone because they were still doing the final exams at that time. and when they had finished, we had to postpone it again to the next day because afiq had to use the car to uni. and mama said, 'i also want to watch movie.' which made me quite surprised; i never knew mama would wanted to join.

and it was worth it. i was glad that everyone was happy. later that night we even watched a movie again together at home and we stayed late. He knows how happy they were, how happy i was to see that.

i will reminisce this day, often. it was real nice to see everyone was genuinely happy, even abang and adik.

because everyday is not the same, i never know whether that day will repeat itself.

and i dont know for how long will my presence in my loved ones' lives be relevant, or needed, or longed for.

but for the times that i still have, i'll do whatever i can. just to make you happy. just to make sure you're okay. and You, You know my prayers, i'm sure you do, because they are what i keep on repeating each day. the ones i cried for so You may accept.

with all my humbleness, please accept. please.

im having the fever again. and im experiencing the same thing again. so please remind me, on why i am doing this. please remind me, to wait just a little bit more. please remind me, that it wont be long.

it wont be long, right?

p.s.

remember the story of the Prophet when he saw an orphan girl with torn clothes crying when she saw other kids with new beautiful clothes on hajj celebration day? she went to the kid and asked her why but she kept on crying without even looked up. she said that her dad died in a war with the Prophet and her mom had remarried with a man who deserted her. the Prophet's face changed and he pat the girl's head and brought her home with all the good things he and his wife, Aisyah could give.

just be like him.

thank you and sorry for everything, everyone.

white, light and beautiful as snow~

2011-11-18T10:15:00.002+08:00

it is a quiet friday.

i woke up from bed at 8am and still managed to slowly sip a drink while sitting at the living room before i went to take my bath.

but i did left the last night's comforter and two small pillows unscathed on the floor. and the mug after the drink, too. i'll deal with them later then i guess.

the clouds were very beautiful this morning. they were fluffy like cottons and they were arranged beautifully, as if someone stretched and lay them to settle and floated on the sky. rays of lights were trying to penetrate through the holes between the cotton clouds and the dark blue morning sky mixed harmonically with light, creating contours of color tones changing from white to dark blue. it reminded me of the clouds in australia on an autumn day, they just make you numb in awe, and somehow, tranquility.

i never knew i would cry that hard last night. i never knew he'd cried with me. i was presumptuous that i could hold back my tears and appear as if i didnt care, as if i was strong.

as if i was okay. although both of us were damn sure i wasnt.

and when he told me how he felt, what he wanted, which is actually what we both wanted, and how so darn hard it is for us to achieve, i didnt know why - i just started to bawl so hard i couldnt even utter a word.

and he kept calling my name, and after a while, all i could say was 'i love you'. because it is all that matters.

it is all that really matters.

and after he explained everything, all that's left for us is to be strong to be together. that we must fight, and be patient. that we must be happy, and be understanding.

and he made me laughed again, very shortly after that, with his words about me having a red nose like a clown. and a reminder again, of how he was sorry and how much he loves me.

i did the same.

when i was in the lrt this morning, i feel that there's silence inside me.

the silence that smiles, calmly, strongly.

it was the sixth sense

2011-11-10T15:41:00.002+08:00

i was sleeping when i heard the noise.

they were waking up, and they put on a thriller movie.

i hate thriller movies; my imagination can be worse than them.

so i woke up and moved into the room. but i still could hear the sounds, and i couldnt sleep. and it was 2am in the morning. and i had to go to work the next day.

i was swearing in my heart i almost banged the walls and door with anger.

then i noticed that adik was sleeping on the floor. i thought she must have felt the same with me, with all the fear and sounds and sleep interruptions, just minus the go-to-work-the-next-morning-but-havent-slept-at-2am thingy.

i touched her gently. it was dark, and she didnt move at all. i suddenly was chilled by thoughts of what worst things that could happen. she was still.

i shook her even more. i stroke her fur and lifted her paws.

she finally moved her hands away a little bit. she was okay, and i felt truly relieved.

perhaps disturbance during your sleep meant something very important - if you can feel it, that means you are still alive.

secret recipe's

2011-11-04T14:53:00.001+08:00

it was a deliberating session with danni.

he had a good point, malay people especially in this company are always judgemental and pointlessly jealous of other people's success, whether they deserve it or not.

i admittedly was really curious as of how a friend of ours who have worked only about 2 years in the company can get the highest performance rating, beating all the seniors before him.

for the record, it really is something - it makes you think, assume and judge.

but we figured out that, at the end, it doesnt even matter. it's Allah's decision to give, we don't need to dispute if it is really decided.

if our friend really achieved it, though the award is handsome, the price is also high- he has to justify other people's judgements, surpass everyone's expectations, and he literally cannot fail. i mean, unless he was definitely eyeing and working into it and be prepared for all the consequences it'll bring, it will be something not only built can endure.

if it happens to me (i mean, wow, that's great, i just got paid about 6x more than other people i can get married and go to honeymoon instantly), but i still dont have any idea what will happen after that.

and yeah, if i really want to get awards like that (who doesnt, right?) i should shut my mouth and work as hell hard.

i'm relieved to know that i am still me in my head and heart and not to try to repeat someone else pointlessly, then.

-the seeker is who the seeker seeks for-

i dreamed of them last night

2011-11-03T12:47:00.000+08:00

i am becoming tireder and tireder day by day.

i dont know how long i can last- to stay positive.

feels like the burden is becoming heavier and heavier, and all i have been doing is focusing on keeping myself together, and wait a lil bit more. breaking into tears and having to suppress feelings have become normal.

at first, it was like waiting for my cue to come, but slowly the cue seems to vanish, everything becomes blurred and sometimes i cannot see anything anymore, even seeing where i am putting my feet on. i have been trying to tell myself that everything will be okay, but then i started to wonder will i be included in the 'ok list'. if all my dreams collapse, will there be anyone who'll be there for me?

which made me finally think, that's alright.

as long as everyone else is okay, it will already be good for me.

i may not be able to achieve all my dreams, i may spend my life trying to repay for all my sins, but if it makes everything okay, it should do.

i always remind myself to be thankful for everything i already have. i might lose it in the future, but at least i have had those beautiful times to remember. if all these pain is worth all my sins and enable everyone to be happy, i will be glad to endure them.

just a lil bit more, because i know that it wont be too long.

'n sync - this i promise you

2011-10-29T00:27:00.002+08:00

do you remember, the gentle voice that always call your name through the wind? the tender hands that always reach for yours and accompany your every shaky steps? do you remember, the eyes that look straight into yours and can make you cry instantaneously or smile effortlessly?

just close your eyes
each loving day
and know this feeling won't go away
it won't go away

the missing times when thoughts were all i had, when i tried to vision you. and once you really came for me, i took small steps forward, slowly, just to make sure that i was not dreaming. the seconds when i could feel my own breaths between my heartbeats. and the warmth of your body, the wetness of your hair, the fabric of your shirt, tells it all. the shine in your eyes and your reckless smile tell me that i am not wrong, not at all. you really did came for me, and the times i have spent thinking and dreaming about you, calling your names between nightmares and sobs - they meant something,

that you have missed and loved me, just like i have missed and loved you, perhaps more.

it was worth the wait.

dearie melbourne, how have summer greeting you?

2011-10-28T13:50:00.002+08:00

yes k Arie, i miss those times strolling down the painted walls in Melbourne. i miss those rainy days covered with furred heavy coat to uni or clayton, and the way we talked with the ausie people. somehow those times have been lonely, but those times were the times when we could really find time to do things; not caught in the crowd of too many people in the lrt. at least we had some pleasure of reading with the smell of grass near the lake, playing hide and seek with the ducks and doves. and we can walk anywhere just to look at things with a blank mind. i want to go back so badly now.

there were times back home that have made me feel so obliged and squeezed, to try to fit in into everyone's requests. back then in australia i didnt have to feel different even though i was different; because there was nothing wrong to be different - it only made it more interesting. i didnt made it to the highest level of social bond between the ausies, but at least i had been remembered. at least i had my chances to shine and express myself; i was even been encouraged to do that. but somehow back home these opportunities were walled, my own unspoken voices came out to me at night, scowling.

i miss those times when we just hang out on the weekends and do anything we wanted. i miss the times when we could go anywhere and feel secured, shopping with us ladies in chadstone and eating nandos after an awesome movie, and enjoying the decorations and seasons throughout the year. studies might have been rough and we cried but at least we had some good times to spend on ourselves - time that we had our own without having to feel obliged to follow others blindly. the time when everyone had an equal right of say.

i just want to have my own life. i highly appreciate company of high quality; i am educated that way. i choose people, and i am a serious chooser, as people will have a direct impact on my thinking and beliefs. and although i love to listen to others, i also want to be heard. i want to have normal happy conversations with everyone around me. i just want to have good times.

4 days to go..

2011-10-21T20:03:00.001+08:00

abah..betul ke semua anak2 abah takde yg menyenangkan hati abah?camane qilah nak gembirakan orang-orang lain pula, kan..

celebrating with red-ribboned ketupats sewn with colourful buttons and delighting on macaroons in a tiny cute box. perhaps some japanese crepes too. good things last long hopefully, although they sometimes need to wait.

2011-09-28T17:49:00.000+08:00

1. i want to read the Quran more often.
2. i want to be conversant in geoscience and geophysics
3. i want to have a better brain
4. i want to express my creativity through colours
5. i want to marry him as much as he does

although there are some things i never be able to fathom, words i dont know how to properly construct, bravery i am still trying to grasp, the future yet to be written.

because i never know the good things that will come out of them.

they will, i am sure of it now.

there is a pdf writer called Cutepdf Writer, and i just installed it

2011-07-20T18:36:00.003+08:00

since projects have/will start soon-ish, the time when we all have to stay back at the office has come again, for better or for worse.

a commenter whom i knew through a japanese song typed in his/her comment that 'kimi wa osoraku subarashii josei desu (you are (i dare say) a wonderful woman). i dont know how close/far that statement is from truth (haha) but because
(1) it was typed in japanese and that
(2) i just talked to a japanese woman since two days ago (i was so excited i needed to pause a while to stop my body from shaking) and that
(3) i got to eat japanese foods i have never tasted before in my life (croquette & hokkaido's seaweed beans)
(4) for free! and further,
(5) made 'him' interested to eat japanese food as well (he has never eaten any in his life)
(6) and i have always dreamed of eating pretzels and today i got to eat one
(7) also for free!

have triggered me to write a new post.

just to say thank You, ya Allah.

for everything above, and everything else unlisted here.

alhamdulillah and thank you to all :)

did you know what is a slinky?

2011-07-13T13:28:00.003+08:00

i used to have one when i was a kid, abah brought it home. it was, for me, one of the most intriguing, fascinating object i have seen in my entire life. i used to play with it a lot, letting it fall downstairs and repeatedly play it on my palms. i loved it a lot, and when it broke, i cried and couldnt let go.

the thing is, after that, i kept on searching for a replacement but i couldnt find one. and when i finally found it (i dont remember, somewhere during high school, perhaps?) it just didnt look the same anymore. none can beat the beauty that was possessed by the slinky that abah bought me; playing it sometimes making me feel that its therapeutic.

this is the closest that i could find

i can be obsessed with the phenomena of physics, so this may be the cause of me loving a slinky so much. haha~

later the other day, my auntie tagged me and my siblings some pictures of abah back when he was during his mission in mozambique. he was so thin it made me want to cry, but mama only commented with a laugh on where did my aunt got those pictures. it made me smile again, thinking about how mama has become more positive nowadays.

she spends much of her time less in front of the computer now and more into sewing, which she always find it so fond to do. she even sewn my torn underwear (i loved it so much i didnt want to get rid of it) and we all laughed about how funny it looked like.

and when 'he' went back home she was so happy and talked a lot with 'him' that made me feel that my life is so, so blessed. when i asked my brothers whether is it okay for me to marry 'him' they said 'yong, dah macam abang sendiri dah yong.' mama even call 'him' abang at home and apologized(!) when she said something wrong. i am so touched with what mama has done for me, please Allah make her happy and make 'us' make her happy. ameen3...

for the food record, i actually had a loafsome worth of happy food time since last week. i ate at sukhumvit restaurant, a thai-concept one at kampung baru and they had the best tomyam i have ever eaten. last monday i had my all-time favourite apam balik, kuetiow goreng and air mangga (this one's new) and yesterday mcD's double cheeseburger, bbq fries, diet coke, lime mcflurry and parkson's asam laksa. yesterday's asam laksa is the best asam laksa i have ever tasted, so did the bbq fries. the lime mcflurry tastes like solero, which reminded us (my sister and me) of childhood. you know how they said that the best food in the world turns you into a child again, dont you? and best of all, they are all cheap! :)

but of course, none can beat the times when i eat with my loved ones. no matter how bad they taste like, they are still the best :)

im spending much of my time trying to study geophysics in order right now. all the best to me. hehe~

ya Allah, thank you for surrounding me with the wealth of love, the sufficient of finance and the never ending forgiveness and blessings. alhamdulillah, ameen3...

the corridor smells like pink bubblegum, all sugar-watery and sticky

2011-06-22T18:39:00.000+08:00

yes, i can have some serious imagination issues.

so it has been almost two months. this is strange, am i THAT occupied that i havent write that long?

considering the conditions that i'm currently in, being occupied might just as well describe my life best. well. *putting chin on the table, rolling eyes*

hence, what to write about this time?

since i have been blank for about an hour now, i guess i just have to stop this for now. *i dont know why i cannot write now*.

bye.

anna nalick - forever love

2011-04-27T11:15:00.006+08:00

let me help you paint the face of my world that i love.

it always misses the old times. it is contented with the present and looks hard and long to its beloved faces to capture every moment and save it for the next days to come; it helps it to remember. and it threads carefully yet lightly on the path of future, embracing all possibilities and try to bring out the best out from every occurrences.

it laughs and cries because of love, many times. but it never regrets.

there has been a lot of ups and downs in my life, with or without any premonitions. many ambushed me upon my fall, but i'm always blessed with bouncing back.

more importantly, my memoir of solitude during my 3 years in seasonal melbourne has helped me built how i want to see things rather than what are in front of me. this is the perspective which i want to carry my whole life; how i would always love to view my world.

because we may experience a million things, become exuberant and depressed by various types of feelings, and never stays at a place too long. but some things, they never change.

i'm half-way through The Last Lecture, and this true story of an inspiring man brings me back to my root and to the people that i always love. and here's the magic of it- they never change, and that thought soothes me. i can walk very far and i know i will always be going back home; into your arms.

thank you for saving me.

K.I.S.S.

2011-04-21T12:50:00.006+08:00

i decided to go home after isyak prayer to get my new swimming suit which has just arrived yesterday. so i brought along necessities which included the Picoult's novel The Changing Heart.

as i flipped through the pages and been absorbed into the story, i realized how sensitive i was at small things such as people laying their bodies onto the standing pole thus blocking others to hold to it, water leakage from somewhere running on the floor and almost soaked my thank-God waterproof shopping bag, the way i stood and posed myself.

when the train stopped at Kuang and the door slowly opened, damp and fresh air rushed in and brushed my face. i could feel the breeze and thought, 'ahh..i'm breathing the air of Kuang. the air here is not the same as it is at Rawang where i usually breath.' my feet were just a few centimeters away from stepping on Kuang's ground, and it made me wonder whether i should take the chance to hop out for a second and hop back in; just so that i could add in a little bit of Kuang's memory inside me with one second worth of touch.

but as i was drifted by my weights of thoughts, the door slowly closed back on me.

what if that was my only chance? what if chances are all that we have got while we are still living?

i reflected upon my sensitivity, my past actions, my whines and worries about things that could happen; before they happen.

i realized that i cannot change what have happened and things that had been done; but i can change how i view them and how i spend my life now. and yes, i have no idea about the future, but i can pray, hope and trust for the best.

i remembered how he always tell me that i have done nothing wrong. i remembered how he saw me cry and convinced me that everything will be okay. i remembered how warm he was when he was close enough for me to feel his breath on my face as he told me that he loves me- many times. i remembered how he always try his best to make me happy and put a smile on my face and never let me go. i wonder how many times i have overlooked his smile, his sadness, his struggling.

and then i remembered about my brothers and sisters, and how they just want to be happy, and how much i am capable to make that happen. i know sometimes i ignored them, even for the best reasons that i should still have to make up to them. and i want to make them happy so badly.

and there's this one person that always stay. no matter how difficult i have made her, no matter how long the journey has been, no matter how lost and alone she had been. i remembered how many times she kisses me every time she kisses me (one at the forehead, another at my nose, then my left and right cheek, and sometimes my chin and mouth), and remembered how tight she always hug me each time she had to send me off. i remembered how she overcame her sadness when i was mad at her and how she struggled to made up to me. every time i went home she cooks and prepare the most lavish cuisine of her own creativity, and i'm never able to say no for seconds because they are so delicious. my mama who teaches me the meaning of unconditional love and acceptance.

no matter how many difficult times i face with these people above, no matter how hard, no matter how depressing. they are always there with me, i wonder how many times they have been taken for granted.

dear God, i am so thankful for having them in my life. i'll say thank You as long as i can, as many times as i can. i'll grab the chances You give me piece by piece, trying to make the best out of them within the capability of my small and limited hands. i'll apology for the lost, the hurt and the ignored. to You i rely, to You i say pray for them and me for our happiness, strength and success.

i love you all..i really do...

p/s: happy belated birthday awin ;)

2011-03-20T09:42:00.008+08:00

I tried to recall the times when I whole-heartedly moved forward, without even take one look back. I tried to recapture the strength, the single-mindedness I managed to wrap myself into; became whole.

But everything went blank and I felt myself sank into a black hole. Sometimes I just don't know anything anymore. Sometimes I'm just lost like an alien.

I want to swim, until my limbs go stiff and cramped, until my body feels chilled to the bone. I want to swim, until my breaths fall short, until I'm tired of smiling every time I finish a lap. I want my body to work their muscles out, feeling the gush of water under my cheekbone, slurring through my armpits, controlling my breaths and the spread of my arms and the width of my splayed legs. I want to swim until I can't think of anything else.

Just like I want to cry so loud until all the masks I've been wearing melt down, until I lose my voice, until I can't remember myself anymore.

Adik sleeps so soundly at the left side of the bed. She must have been waiting for this moment so long, when she eyed the door from afar, waiting for it to open, so that she could sneak in and go onto the bed. We know they miss the softness of the mattress and the cool winds brushing their faces when they are asleep, and once she managed to quietly move to her favorite spot and lied down, closing her eyes, I didn't have the heart to put her back outside. Abang and adik have been barred from the rooms because their furs are loose and we can't afford to clean them off everytime, but just right now, I can't afford to see her sweet sleep disturbed.

I understand the feelings of missing the ones that you love. It's like rewinding the same movie again and again in your head, when everything else moves, or not moving at all. It's like reminding and pushing yourself to think about the brighter side of your life when everything in front of you goes wrong. It's like trying to keep the missing pieces when the good things are taken away from you.

It's about saying that you're okay when you actually feels like bawling and don't know where to find strength; only to know how to pretend to be strong. And then you'll wonder on how long people can stand with you when you yourself don't think that you'll last long.

Everytime I feel like this I'll crumple myself into position of the fetus, closing enough to retain the heat and trying to shudder off the cold, for as long as I need.

As long as everyone is happy. As long as everyone is okay.

‎"Tertundanya pemberian setelah engkau mengulang-ulang permintaan, janganlah membuatmu berpatah harapan. Allah menjamin pengabulan du'a sesuai dengan apa yang Dia pilih buatmu, bukan menurut apa yang engkau pilih sendiri, dan pada saat yang Dia kehendaki - bukan pada waktu yang engkau ingini." [Imam Ibn Athaillah As-Sakandari]

"Allah menjawab du'a para hamba-Nya yang penuh kerinduan dan permohonan yang keluar dari hati yang ikhlas. Memohon pertolongan Allah didorong dengan perintah-Nya untuk kembali kepada-Nya. Maka, waktu dan cara-Nya membalas du'a pun tergantung pada-Nya. Yang perlu dilakukan oleh makhluk adalah berdu'a, bergantung dan percaya pada cara-cara yang sempurna dari Sang Pencipta, kerana Dia selalu mengetahui keadaan kita yang sebenarnya, juga pertolongan serta perbekalan apa yang tepat buat kita dalam perjalanan menuju-Nya." [ulasan oleh Syeikh Fadhlalla Haeri]

Ya Allah terimalah kami, jadikanlah kami hamba-hamba-Mu yang ikhlas, sebenar-benar bergantung pada-Mu bukan selain-Mu, yang beradab penuh santun dalam bermohon kepada-Mu, tiada berpatah harapan atas penundaan-Mu, memilih dengan pilihan-Mu, setiap permohonan kami adalah dalam keredhaan-Mu, dan setiap nafas kami meraih kecintaan-Mu.. amiin.

ya Allah..kuatkanlah dan sembuhkanlah en aspar..ameen3...

2011-02-23T13:27:00.002+08:00

p.s.

happy belated 20th birthday my love...God knows how much I miss you and want to be with you...

p.s.

happy belated 21st birthday afiq...

p.s.

tq for being good friends, ejul & helmi...

Al-Insaan

2011-02-11T11:42:00.001+08:00

[1]
Bukankah telah berlalu kepada manusia satu ketika dari masa (yang beredar), sedang ia (masih belum wujud lagi, dan) tidak menjadi sesuatu benda yang disebut-sebut, (maka mengapa kaum musyrik itu mengingkari hari akhirat)?
[2]
Sesungguhnya Kami telah aturkan cara mencipta manusia bermulanya dari air mani yang bercampur (dari pati benih lelaki dan perempuan), serta Kami tetap mengujinya (dengan kewajipan-kewajipan); oleh itu maka Kami jadikan dia berkeadaan mendengar dan melihat.
[3]
Kerana keadaan itu tidak mencukupi, maka) sesungguhnya Kami telah menunjukkan kepadanya (melalui akal dan Rasul) akan jalan-jalan (yang benar dan yang salah; maka terserahlah kepadanya) sama ada ia bersyukur (dengan beriman dan taat), ataupun ia berlaku kufur (dengan mengingkari kebenaran atau menderhaka).
[4]
(Dalam pada itu), sesungguhnya Kami telah menyediakan bagi sesiapa yang berlaku kufur (atau menderhaka): beberapa rantai dan belenggu serta neraka yang menjulang-julang.
[5]
Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang berbakti (dengan taat dan kebajikan), akan meminum dari piala: sejenis minuman yang bercampur dengan “Kafur”, -
[6]
Iaitu sebuah matair (di Syurga), yang diminum daripadanya oleh hamba-hamba Allah (yang taat); mereka boleh mengalirkannya (di tempat-tempat tinggal mereka) dengan aliran yang semudah-mudahnya dan menurut kemahuannya.
[7]
(Mereka dikurniakan kesenangan itu kerana) mereka menyempurnakan nazarnya (apatah lagi yang diwajibkan Tuhan kepadanya), serta mereka takutkan hari (akhirat) yang azab seksanya merebak di sana sini.
[8]
Mereka juga memberi makan benda-benda makanan yang dihajati dan disukainya, kepada orang miskin dan anak yatim serta orang tawanan,
[9]
(Sambil berkata dengan lidah atau dengan hati): “Sesungguhnya kami memberi makan kepada kamu kerana Allah semata-mata; kami tidak berkehendakkan sebarang balasan dari kamu atau ucapan terima kasih,
[10]
“Kami sebenarnya takutkan Tuhan kami, takut Ia kenakan kami azab hari yang padanya muka orang-orang yang bersalah: masam berkerut-kerut”.
[11]
Dengan sebab (mereka menjaga diri dari kesalahan), maka Allah selamatkan mereka dari kesengsaraan hari yang demikian keadaannya, serta memberikan kepada mereka keindahan yang berseri-seri (di muka), dan perasaan ria gembira (di hati).
[12]
Dan kerana kesabaran mereka (mengerjakan suruhan Allah dan meninggalkan laranganNya), mereka dibalas oleh Allah dengan Syurga dan (persalinan dari) sutera.
[13]
Mereka berehat di dalam Syurga dengan berbaring di atas pelamin-pelamin (yang berhias), mereka tidak nampak di situ adanya matahari (usahkan hawa panasnya), dan tidak juga merasai suasana yang terlampau sejuk;
[14]
Sedang naungan pohon-pohon Syurga itu dekat kepada mereka, dan buah-buahannya pula dimudahkan (untuk mereka memetiknya) dengan semudah-mudahnya.
[15]
Dan (selain itu) diedarkan kepada mereka (oleh pelayan-pelayannya): bijana dari perak dan piala-piala minuman yang keadaannya laksana kaca (nampak jelas isinya) -
[16]
(Keadaannya laksana) kaca, (sedang ia) dari perak; pelayan-pelayan itu menentukan kadar isinya sekadar yang cukup betul dengan kehendak penggunanya.
[17]
Dan mereka dalam Syurga itu, diberi minum sejenis minuman yang campurannya dari “Zanjabil”,
[18]
Iaitu sebuah matair dalam Syurga, yang disebutkan sifatnya sebagai “Salsabil”.
[19]
Dan mereka dilayani oleh anak-anak muda lelaki yang tetap kekal (dalam keadaan mudanya), yang sentiasa beredar di sekitar mereka; apabila engkau melihat anak-anak muda itu, nescaya engkau menyangkanya mutiara yang bertaburan.
[20]
Dan apabila engkau melihat di sana (dalam Syurga itu), engkau melihat nikmat yang melimpah-limpah dan kerajaan yang besar (yang tidak ada bandingannya).
[21]
Mereka di dalam Syurga memakai pakaian hijau yang diperbuat dari sutera halus dan sutera tebal (yang bertekat), serta mereka dihiasi dengan gelang-gelang tangan dari perak; dan mereka diberi minum oleh Tuhan mereka dengan sejenis minuman (yang lain) yang bersih suci.
[22]
(Serta dikatakan kepada mereka): “Sesungguhnya (segala pemberian) ini adalah untuk kamu sebagai balasan, dan adalah usaha amal kamu (di dunia dahulu) diterima dan dihargai (oleh Allah)”.
[23]
Sesungguhnya Kami telah menurunkan Al-Quran kepadamu (wahai Muhammad), dengan beransur-ansur.
[24]
Oleh itu hendaklah engkau bersabar menerima hukum Tuhanmu (memberi tempoh kepada golongan yang menentangmu), dan janganlah engkau menurut kehendak orang yang berdosa di antara mereka, atau orang yang kufur ingkar.
[25]
Dan sebutlah dengan lidah atau dengan hati akan nama Tuhanmu (di dalam dan di luar sembahyang), pada waktu pagi dan petang;
[26]
Dan (dengan apa keadaan pun maka) pada sebahagian dari waktu malam sujudlah kepada Tuhan (dengan mengerjakan sembahyang), dan (seboleh-bolehnya) bertasbihlah memujiNya (dengan mengerjakan sembahyang Tahajjud), pada sebahagian yang panjang dari waktu malam.
[27]
Sesungguhnya orang-orang (yang menentangmu) itu sentiasa mencintai (kesenangan dan kemewahan dunia) yang cepat habisnya, serta mereka membelakangkan (tidak menghiraukan bekalan) untuk hari akhirat yang amat berat (penderitaannya kepada orang-orang yang tidak bertaqwa).
[28]
Kamilah yang menciptakan mereka serta menguatkan tulang sendi dan urat saraf mereka; (Kami berkuasa membinasakan mereka) dan apabila Kami kehendaki, Kami gantikan (mereka dengan) orang-orang yang serupa dengan mereka, dengan penggantian yang sebaik-baiknya.
[29]
Sesungguhnya (segala keterangan yang disebutkan) ini, menjadi peringatan; maka sesiapa yang mahukan (kebaikan dirinya) bolehlah ia mengambil jalan yang menyampaikan kepada keredaan Allah (dengan iman dan taat).
[30]
Dan tiadalah kamu berkemahuan (melakukan sesuatu perkara) melainkan dengan cara yang dikehendaki Allah; sesungguhnya Allah adalah Maha Mengetahui, lagi Maha Bijaksana (mengaturkan sebarang perkara yang dikehendakiNya).
[31]
Ia memasukkan sesiapa yang dikehendakiNya (menurut aturan yang ditetapkan) ke dalam rahmatNya (dengan ditempatkannya di dalam Syurga); dan orang-orang yang zalim, Ia menyediakan untuk mereka azab seksa yang tidak terperi sakitnya.

"I can't do this, Sam."

"I know. It's all wrong. By rights, we shouldn't even be here. But we are.

It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you that meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why.

But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in the stories, had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going, because they were holding on to something."

"What are we holding on to, Sam?"

"That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."

The definition of us

2011-02-02T22:21:00.002+08:00

Losses befallen on us and we were dumped in shitty holes. Before we realized anything we started to hurt and punish each other when no one was actually at fault. Sometimes we knew this but the wounds in our hearts have become so deep that all happiness and joy we once knew now seem too far from reach and we feel so accustomed to anger and grief that it becomes too hard to let go and start anew. Nevertheless we struggle through and try our best to set our feet on a fresh ground, together, holding tight to each other, even though we still bleed.

I seldom look back or recount any from the past, except for the moments when we never lost anything and had nothing to worry about and had all the time in the world to count how many drops there were in the rain. Except for recalling those moments, I spend my time dreaming about the future where everything is still crystals, diamonds, snow and puffy clouds. At least that's how I manage this pain. And just as the rest of the family, even during the fuckiest times I never fail to sense the urge and desire for a better life. A hope, on which I cling on, that after everything that happened I can still call it my home.

Through prayers and chances we are blessed to have.

dalam banyak-banyak van, van apa yang boleh dimakan?

2011-01-31T16:37:00.002+08:00

i just finished recalculating for my financial planning.

with time, some major changes will happen in your life and knowing that, you should recalculate your financial progress and think of ways to maximize your profit.

we had an inspiring minum petang with my foster father about how he became a millionaire. and today when i met my friends we shared about which is better- ASB saving or ASB financing. after much study and calculations, we arrived at the conclusion that the latter is more rewarding.

and a colleague also noted about an ASB loan package by RHB whereby we only have to pay for the interest for the first 3 years and only start to pay the principle after that 3 years. if, we want to terminate the loan before we start paying for the principle we can do so and take out the dividends to start a fresh loan. im still studying into that.

with my financial planning so far, with God's will everything go smooth i can confidently say that i can become a millionaire before i retire.

which brings me back to the question- why do i want to be a millionaire/multimillionaire?

perhaps the number 1 reason is that im already tired and am done with financial barriers. therefore i want to have that financial freedom as soon as possible.

and of course, for the future of my family.

and third, as a welfare for me in akhiraat.

ya Allah, please guide us the way, bring us ease through our plans, save us from undesirable mishaps and grant us 'us' until forever...ameen, ameen, ameen ya Allah...

ginormica

2011-01-19T09:41:00.002+08:00

it has been a while, again.

i just remembered about replenishing my bloggish thirst and when i saw the previous title it made me resembled about how my life has been up and down like a roller coaster with the switch off of 2010 and the brand new coming of 2011. apart from that, i cannot complain.

there has been some changes with the new year, either they happen coincidentally or not. the first one is the change of weather; resulting a sudden shift in focus from geophysical acquisition work that i had been doing enthusiastically so far to geophysical processing job which conveniently came to fill in my time. the truth and inconvenient (thus challenging) part of it is that i am an official zero-knowledge-brain owner of geophysical processing. compared to other colleagues who have at least a basic skill at knowing what NMO stands for i am no different at all from someone who has never heard of the word geophysical processing at all.

after several weeks indulging myself into processing world i found out that i have grown more pimples and eyebags; which although from what i have found was actually due to lack of exercise (see para 6); have made me visibly more stressful and timid. at more times i found loneliness more of a friend than people, and i could get irritated more easily because i keep on feeling disappointed with myself for not knowing (about processing) and sometimes at even the very silly little things. plus, competitions from dear colleagues who are somehow can keep their interest at respected level from 8 till 5 and seniors' expectations made my heart feel squeezed into juice. to be honest, it's a feeling i cannot feel at ease about. i wanted some time off, but i couldnt. i knew that sooner or later, i still have to face them out and close this gap. once and for all, i hope. for the better, ey.

so i kept on crawling. i scratched through notes and reports and transmittals and websites, i asked questions and raised issues. i tried to think more and do more, although i sometimes felt that they were too much that i wanted to vomit. when i did feel so, i took some time off and played my ipad, or surf through the net. my loved ones keep me going, although some havent. i am still waiting for them to change for the best of their own. oh my beloved family.

i realized that i have neglected my physical exercise when i read an ad at the LRT station: "physical activities help your body to detox itself through perspiration, thus promotes healthier and glowing skin". i reflected on my eyebags and pimples growing at the side of my forehead where i used to perspire the most during exercises and realized what i had been missing so far despite my success in maintaining my body weight's range by +-2kgs - the joy, relief, destress, and sweat i gained from exercising. i started to imagine the shortness in breath, the urge for more effort to complete more push ups, the free movements i can make with all the parts of my body. they are tantalizing and always make me feel fresh. i had barely the time to do all those things; i had been concentrating more on my job and family time and doing financial planning. i forgot to enjoy with myself.

thus i made up my mind to spend at least 20 minutes to exercise in my room. i made push ups, i did static running, i did sit ups, i put on the music, i danced, i laughed. i deliberated myself. God it felt so good. and the best part is, i feel better now, alhamdulillah.

and after consultation with an employee at a pharmacy, i had been told on how to apply the eye-roll that i had bought correctly. actually i thought that it didnt work so i would like to try another one, with her consultation i found that wasnt needed; i only have to work on how to correctly apply it under my eyes and massage the area to make the toxin that causes the eyebags to go away. tips on better sleep, destress and also healthier lifestyle were also discussed. i saved money and gained new knowledge- another plus :)

regarding the processing work, i can feel that my seniors are starting to acknowledge my effort in studying processing and are giving me more chances and sharing more knowledge they have, which i found out not only more enriching but lifting away a lot of burden of expectations from my shoulder as well. i feel more trusted not only by them but more importantly by myself, because before all i know is that i am a processing stupidos who can only ask stupid questions which makes eyes roll in disbelief. but now i know that there are more and more info that i can relate with and are building up. ya Allah, please ease our tasks for us. ameen3...with acquisition i actually have a problematic project; my team members and me had put in a lot of effort into getting it done and had been hit and bombed a lot by our bosses, people from different departments and contractors because of it and as watson in sherlock holmes said

"I've been reviewing my notes, of our exploits over the last seven months.

would you like to know my conclusion?

I AM PSYCHOLOGICALLY DISTURBED."

haha~

yes, sometimes it wasnt funny at all. but since the project we have known each other well and learnt a hell lot about seismic acquisition especially the operational matters; it always amaze us (isnt it?) on how the very difficult things could be the most beneficial. but still, it has been the pain in my backbone. after yesterday i was still thinking what can actually make it worse since it has always been that way but there's light at the end of the tunnel, perhaps and lets say it positively that we can sort it out eventually, with peace. insyaAllah, ameen3...

and the most interesting part in all this is that I CAN NOW COMPLETE SUDOKU! so far i had completed 11 sets (+ more from ipads i didnt count) with an average timing for Medium level of around 35 minutes, and yesterday i completed a Hard one with 16.38 minutes in timing! clap clap clapppp..i am so proud of my teacher..hehe~ thank you dear.. :)

i'll keep rolling to let off more dirt and smudge from the entire me =) ya Allah please show us light, give us strength, patience and success and keep us healthy and away from unwanted disturbances and adversities...ameen ameen ameen ya Allah..

p/s: dear Adah, happy 13th birthday.. ;)

the explosion of a candy factory

2010-12-16T13:13:00.007+08:00

i woke up this morning feeling barely sober; and although i'm doing okay i kept on wondering what i would fill up this day with, apart from the obvious of course. i need to increase my adrenalin level again; i havent been shopping for long and i miss watching movies with him and anything related to his presence. the last sane food i ate (from what i can remember) was bubur lambuk which his mother bought from pasar tani and the last picture i scrutinized was a picture of us taken by his younger brother. how, with all my intelligence and brain capacity could i never fully fathom how i ended up with him- someone i have always waited and longing for and with whom, even though i can lay out a thousand things about him i still am learning to know the rest of him which i can never find enough, as well as reasons on how i am here beside him when there are a million other chances that i am not, and im not even tired of missing him a pinch.

ANYWAY. did you know that Malaysia now has a government body called Special Innovation Unit (Unik) and that the machine that we usually see in hospitals which beeps accordingly with a patient's heart beat is called electrocardiography?

there really are serious huge pile of stuffs to learn out here on earth. i feel like making my desk crowded and in mess again. lets lets!

i thank God and mr nordin for this new CPU, it works way better from my old one. i even been teased by seniors for its slow performance; they said my pc is slow like its owner. and when iPerintis personnel had it checked remotely, he asked me how long have i been patient with this underperforming pc. i said to him, '6 months,' and i heard him gasped, so i continued, 'really.'

but then i managed to set up a new CPU which was a relief; i can now do my work much faster and i dont have to wait long for files to open or download.

im now imagining myself wandering around mid valley doing, well, practically nothing; which is for me, an arbitrary to window shopping. i actually went to isetan this afternoon, with an aim to spend/shop on office clothes. however it wasnt achieved- the ones i wanted to buy were all not discounted. i conclude then that contrary to what rahimi said that i know nothing about fashion and brands, my intuition always point me to high-taste styles and wearings, which are at the moment, regrettably, are yet to be affordable.

i'll find those which have styles but are much more reasonable in price, then; usually in a less urban locations.

i am having ADD right now, which i cannot help, and its expanding every minute.

p/s: At-Tirmidzi meriwayatkan dari Abu Hurairah bahwa Rasulullah bersabda, “Ada tiga golongan yang pasti akan ditolong oleh Allah; seorang budak yang ingin menebus dirinya dengan mencicil kepada tuannya, orang yang ingin menikah karena ingin memelihara kesucian, dan pejuang di jalan Allah.”

— HR. At-Tirmidzi (no. 1352) kitab an-Nikaah, Ibnu Majah (no. 1512) dan dihasankan oleh Syaikh al-Albani dalam al-Misykaah (no. 3089), Shahiih an-Nasa-i (no. 3017), dan Shahiihul Jaami’ (no. 3050). -

denyut-denyut

2010-12-05T21:23:00.004+08:00

acap kali aku buka kembali blog, mesti teringat kata-kata seorang kawan "dah lama kau tak menulis dalam bahasa melayu". aku kemudian fikir, di australia aku rajin menulis dalam bahasa melayu sebab majoriti orang adalah bukan melayu, jadi keinginan untuk berbahasa melayu tu tinggi. tapi bila dah pulang ke tanah air majoriti orang bertutur dalam bahasa inggeris maka aku lebih selesa menulis dalam bahasa inggeris. aku tahu ia paradoks tapi mungkin juga lah ia kerana sifat aku yang suka berahsia, maka kalau boleh, walaupun tidak mungkin, setidak-tidaknya aku dapat rahsiakan apa yang aku rasa dengan menulis dalam bahasa berlainan. yang peliknya, tidak kira di mana aku menulis pasti orang dari dunia mana pun mampu membaca tulisan ini asalkan mereka faham bahasa melayu dan inggeris. tapi itulah, walaupun pelik aku tetap buat seperti mana yang aku rasa.

sudah terlalu lama tak menulis dalam bahasa melayu, kekok benar rasanya.

sejak khamis aku batuk dan selesema, dengan demam dan sakit kepala. sekali bersin berbaki sakitnya di kepala, terasa berpinar-pinar. seluruh badan terutama bahagian kiri semakin lenguh dan sengal rasanya, dan betapa lama tidur pun lenanya tak sampai-sampai, tapi terpaksa kugagahkan juga supaya cepat sihat. harap-harapnya sakitku tidaklah menyusahkan sesiapa dan tidak melarat; begitu fikirku. pertama kali aku mencuba panadol soluble, boleh tahan berkesannya, alhamdulillah. tup tup tap teringat kisah nabi musa; kesakitan sembuh disebabkan oleh Allah bukan ubat, maka aku pun cuba bertahan; moga-moga mendapat keizinan.

kata abah, sakit itu kifarah. oh, semalam dalam mimpi aku jumpa abah. walaupun mimpi tu agak kabur; mungkin sebab aku yang tak berapa sihat, tapi gembiranya dapat berjumpa setelah beberapa waktu. harap-harap abah gembira di sana hendaknya.

hari ini sakitku sudah bertambah kurang, selera makan bertambah baik dan tenagaku cukup untuk membantuku mengemas bilik yang berhabuk dan mencuci cadar dan sarung bantal yang sudah lama tidak dicuci. sambil-sambil mengulang tayang sherlock holmes buat entah beberapa kali, cuba membunuh masa yang cuba membuatkan diri ini bertambah rindu.

tak mengapa, sesungguhnya setiap ketentuan itu ada hikmah dan pengajaran yang dibawanya.

maka aku mencuba menguatkan diri dengan sibuk melayan si kecil arisya yang petah. sudah pandai ber-facebook sekarang, malah lebih pandai ber-smiley daripadaku. ketawa dan komen-komennya sangat jernih dan tulus, bila kumenung-menungkan ingin sekali aku lihatnya senantiasa begitu walaupun jauh dari mungkin. bila semakin dewasa manusia pasti akan berubah menurut pengalaman, ilmu dan perasaannya serta dunia mana yang mencoraknya. dan tiada dunia yang jernih sekarang, betapapun semua menginginkannya. dunia juga semakin tua seperti kita.

malah dengan adegan-adegan yang amat menakutkan. (jika kalian baca buku berjudul 'half the sky' pasti kalian akan mengerti, bagaimana perempuan dilayan di dunia setiap hari. gerun dan menakutkan. ya Allah lindungilah kami keseluruhannya. ameen ameen ameen).

nampaknya sudah lewat..beransur dulu. minta maaf segala salah silap dan terima kasih atas kasih sayang semua. hanya Allah yang mampu membalasnya. ameen, ameen ameen ya Allah.

p/s; aqil sayang, selamat hari lahir. akak kira mesti kamu semakin muda dan dijaga baik di sana kan :)

mak sayang, selamat hari lahir..moga panjang umur, murah rezki dan sentiasa dlm sayang Allah selalu ameen.. =)

Engaged

2010-11-17T22:26:00.003+08:00

After a wholesome day of cooking with ma, a happy chatter with him and a good bath always help to unwind me. Right now I'm relaxing with my iPad which I found out to be very convenient whether with or without the Internet. Of course, having Internet with me all the time would be best.

I have never thought that I would be so lucky to own an iPad for free. But that Tuesday really was my day. First I got to attend a session on Geophysical Electromagnetic Prospecting which since I was small I had considerable interest in it. When I went into upper secondary school, during physics classes I had long awaited my teacher for class on electric and electromagentic. I won't say that I was damn good in it but I am crazy in the topic; as the session went on I couldn't stop my hands from shaking because I was too excited to learn more on how they apply electromagnetic principles in hydrocarbon sensing. Therefore I paused from writing and focused solely on what the speaker said and asked some questions. I planned to later copy the notes from syasya.

We rushed to the DesktopLaunch event where Halliburton was launching their new software. We already knew that there would be a lucky draw at the end of the event therefore we didn't forget to bring our business cards. I think we were the last three person who came; I put my business card first followed by syasya and danni. We went in and found ourselves seats; I sat beside afiq and I asked him what the new software was about. From what I understand, it collaborates seismic images and information about a geological area from various sources at the same time depending on what we request it to display, therefore enabling direct comparisons and prospect potential assessment to be done in realtime. I found it as a beneficial tool but I wonder about the computer capacity it would be demanding- and whether it is cost effective. But it was almost time for the launching and presentation to finish and I couldn't wait to copy the notes from syasya so I grabbed her book and started copying. Afiq asked me to share with him what we got from the previous session so I simply went over my notes. He said it was similar with dr deva's presentation but I could seldomly recall it because I didn't really understand what he taught, compared to this presentation which was delivered from a young enthusiasted guy from Irtkusk Company whose hands were also shaking and his breaths fell short whenever he reached a certain interesting point. I could honestly understand that- I am crazy about the topic as well.

When the time came for the lucky draw, we all looked ahead. There was only one lucky draw and also only one iPad to be won, and that was it. The man put his hands into the bowl and took a business card, he then held it in his hand. He was English. He announced that the winner was from Carigali and he would have trouble saying the name right.

"aqilah amir jamalullail..." I put my head up and looked in front. I was still copying notes so I was blurred for a moment when my name was called. When everyone was looking around and my friends were staring at me in an awe, then I realized what was happening. I stood up and made my way through the rows of chairs to a clearing at the center. People were taking pictures and I shyly went on to get my prize. And there I was, receiving a free iPad which I knew almost nothing about and would merely be thinking about having it in breezes.

And right now I'm typing this post through it. Everyone who knows about my winning said that I was very lucky. When I look back, I sure am feel thankful for this, ya Allah. You sure know how to cheer me up :) Alhamdulillah, thank you ya Allah..thank you everyone who pray for my blessed and easy rizq..may it flow rich and blissful for all of us..ameen3...

Happy eidul adha..

yuzo hayashi- yawarakana jikan

2010-10-29T19:31:00.003+08:00

its feeling a lil bit weird that im now listening to a song i used to listen to when i feel so lonely. at that time, i am far away from home, unlike now when my house is actually less than two hours by train.

i guess loneliness strikes without really cares how far you are from the things that you miss. and you can never miss something more than when you miss the past, because past is always the farthest.

i miss the past whenever i face difficult times. the thought of abah drowns me most in deep silence, beyond the sounds of passing vehicles and the chirps of the birds and the whistle of the breeze through the grass.

but just like when the rain falls onto the ground, washing away the streets and soaking the leaves with its drops, the thought of 'you' quenches my thirst and makes me feel alive and can walk or even run again. the thought of 'you' keeps me going, even when the deep silence urges me to stop and vanish.

i can smile without guilt again, because of 'you', even when i still miss abah like i always do.

i always do.

thank you, for being the rain of my life, which gives life and hope whenever i feel so low and lonely. i love you my soulmate.

letto - sebelum cahaya

2010-10-07T00:29:00.002+08:00

Lagu ini menceritakan tentang kisah kekasih hati yang begitu tabah untuk mencari cinta sejati. Sebelum datangnya cahaya, sudah tentu pahit maung akan ditempuhi. Bukan senang untuk mencari cinta sehingga sanggup melalui perjalanan yang begitu sunyi dan berliku. Perlambangan untuk kata embun pagi memberikan gambaran bahawa cahaya yang dimaksudkan ialah cahaya matahari. Sebagai simbolik kepada cahaya yang dapat menyuluh manusia ke jalan penuh ketenangan dan kebahagian. -Referred to a Website-

Ku teringat hati
Yang bertabur mimpi
Kemana kau pergi cinta
Perjalanan sunyi
Engkau tempuh sendiri
Kuatkanlah hati cinta

Chorus:
Ingatkan engkau kepada
Embun pagi bersahaja
Yang menemanimu sebelum cahaya
Ingatkan engkau kepada
Angin yang berhembus mesra
Yang kan membelaimu cinta

Kekuatan hati yang berpegang janji
Genggamlah tanganku cinta
Ku tak akan pergi meninggalkanmu sendiri
Temani hatimu cinta

Chorus

Ku teringat hati
Yang bertabur mimpi
Kemana kau pergi cinta
Perjalanan sunyi
Engkau tempuh sendiri
Kuatkanlah hati cinta

Chorus

clove balm & coveralls

2010-09-24T23:05:00.003+08:00

being away offshore for the first time, feeling the waves crawling underneath the vessel is quite a new experience for me. this is the second day of sailing, i am still adapting to the shaky movement of the ship with my stomach sometimes filled with too many gas. it has been like this for more than a week now.

im catching up on work; and i have left my novel reading for almost a week now. but at the other end i get to be online more. and thus can write.

ひさしぶりだよね。。さ。。前回　（ぜんかい）何の帰ったこと　（かえったこと）をわすれちゃったんだよ。。今あたしの新しいコンピュータで日本語でタイプにできるから、うれしい。。

日本語の勉強するにとてもこいしいだ。。

ｉｔ　ｈａｓ　ｂｅｅｎ　ａ　ｌｏｎｇ　ｔｉｍｅ，　ｉｓｎ’ｔ　ｉｔ？　ｌｅｔ’ｓ　ｓｅｅ．．ｔｈｅ　ｌａｓｔ　ｔｉｍｅ　ｉ　ｗｒｏｔｅ　ａｎｙｔｈｉｎｇ　ｉｎ　ｊａｐａｎｅｓｅ　ｗａｓ　ａ　ｔｉｍｅ　ｉ　ｃａｎ’ｔ　ｅｖｅｎ　ｒｅｍｅｍｂｅｒ．．ｗｉｔｈ　ｍｙ　ｎｅｗ　ｃｏｍｐｕｔｅｒ　ｔｈａｔ　ｉ　ｃａｎ　ｗｒｉｔｅ　ｊａｐａｎｅｓｅ；　ｉｔ　ｍａｋｅｓ　ｍｅ　ｈａｐｐｙ．．

ｉ　ｍｉｓｓ　ｌｅａｒｎｉｎｇ　ｊａｐａｎｅｓｅ．．

"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get."
-Dale Carnegie

miley cyrus- when i look at you

2010-08-23T16:11:00.006+08:00

i tilted my feet, so that i could put my piece of paper that i found after scrambling through my quicksilver bag onto my lap that was now straight, and started writing.

before i got out from the car, ma reminded me to pay more attention to my surroundings; to the people around. i wondered if i have the type of face that's attractive, which is of course questionable in the sense of whether it is good or otherwise, or she just kept her toes on news too well she couldnt help from worrying about her daughter's safety. her words 'dont take things for granted' made me to practice on simply looking at people's faces when i walked pass them. awkward enough, i found it somehow methodical and unpleasing.

i remembered once at the airport, a man told me 'nothing will happen to a lady as sweet as you.' i could still remember his words because i keep on questioning them.

the sunset sky was shining orange and was surrounded by blueish grey and white linings of puffy clouds stretched into thin lines like cotton rolls. sunsets; they are always silently beautiful by their own; being too far from men to reach. i wonder do they sometimes feel sad that despite they are beautiful, they are distant enough that people, lots of times, tend to overlook?

and then i wondered if that was really their feeling or its just the resemblance of my own.

further away i could see brightness striking out from pendarflour lights of high flats as the train moves quite slowly. i imagined different faces belonging to each well-lit squares; people doing different things at the very same time, being individuals when they are not that very physically apart. i tried to link with them, with the reason that perhaps one or two might actually understand how i felt, yet i eventually slashed that possibility out. but then i figured out that regardless, He still listens intently to each hearts, without failing even the tiniest detail.

feeling absorbed and helpless, i didnt really know what i then should be telling Him, or what should i pray for. at least i knew what to write about; it has been quite some time now i supposed.

in the coldness that blanketed me through the whole journey, i remembered your face sending me flying kisses; your shoulders relaxed and your eyes were calm as ever.

i couldnt help myself from smiling, no matter how much i tried to hide it, and i wasnt afraid anymore.

naruto songs

2010-07-22T11:44:00.003+08:00

retracing.

after watching inception yesterday, aisyah and me had our dinner at shokuji bento section, enjoying japanese cuisine of course.

we talked about the movie. i personally think its one of the best movies ive watched all my life. i sure as heaven will buy the cd for my family to watch it as well.

i wished you were there beside me dear love. and of course, we talked about you as well.

and about me learning japanese. and the japanese songs she likes, and the japanese songs i like.

which then reminded me of mahou no kotoba by spitz. and followed were all the songs i suddenly realized that i have forgotten that i love them.

i never knew how much part of me that went lost when my laptop broke- all the stuffs inside- the pictures, songs, memories- until yesterday. oh, God. how did i miss this?

therefore i am retracing back my old steps since years back, particularly post 2005. the critical times whereby the important pieces of me were built, parts are revealed and shared, the muddy waters inside cleared, confessions made, our love began.

the story of my life aligned. and it's far from over. honestly i do feel scared sometimes. the more you love someone, the more you dont want to see them get hurt.

i'll do my best. ameen3..

abah, ma and qila at cameron highlands

2010-07-07T17:57:00.005+08:00

its off office hour. dim-lighted, personal.

reminded me of the times back in australia. the lonely nights, but very insightful. not so busy, yet filled. not many people, but somehow i managed.

through songs, stretched hours, lots of exercises, focused plans, nightmares, the prayer mat, lecture notes, stringent dieting.

the bitter times that im now missing. how less means more.

its 603pm and im still here. i guess im starting to love staying at the office, hearing to repeated songs, missing my other half and praying the best for all my loved ones.

back then, i always feel that something is missing it frequently made me cry. everything is so far; i cant imagine everything is in their correct place right now, even though i am already near to all that i used to miss.

the gap is still there.

things can never be the same once abah is gone. it never has been, it can never be. no matter how much i try. and perhaps its a good thing. because if it doesnt i'll soon be doomed much faster than i would be able to realize.

its now 618pm.

i need a new handphone. specifically an express music with 3.2mp camera and 3G. and a personal laptop. then i'll be better off. for sure.

time to be patient for the money.

ne yo- part of the list

2010-06-20T21:20:00.003+08:00

so the career era has started. it hasnt arrived to the full-blown mode yet, but things do somehow weigh heavier. all theories ive encountered in life so far are put on the test. the future, when in one hand is always unpredictable, in the other hand is always governable and can be planned.

so that's what i have started to do- to plan my life and to execute my plan and to see results. i am now leading my own life, and God knows in 5-10 years? time i'll be leading my own family's life as well.

and so, the preparations for the days to come is crucial. seriously crucial.

the book given by my interviewer has proven to be useful. (azizi ali- millionaires are from a different planet). it gives huge realization about the importance of planning your personal finance and very good step-by-step tips on how to be financially secured (its obviously a book on how to be a millionaire but let's not aim too high ;p).

but yeah, there's nothing wrong to become a millionaire :D ameen3...

when you want something, the universe conspires to make it happen

2010-06-09T21:17:00.005+08:00

i arrived at rawang ktm station at 1016am. the 1015am was almost leaving the station. i still hadnt bought my ticket, and the queue was long. the train would depart any minute now. at first i just thought that i probably wont make it.

it was 10.17am now and as i queued, i took a look at the departure timetable- the next train would depart rawang at 10.45am, which means i have to wait another 30 minutes for the next train. i have waited that long for the bus which brought me from my residential area to rawang, and for the love of God i dont want to wait again for the train. but, considering that i might not be able to catch this train, i was reluctant to pray and hope and instead found myself preparing mentally to wait for another half an hour.

it was at that instant that i remembered what my boss had said- if you want it, you will get it. at that time it was almost 10.18am, the queue was still long and i knew that unless a miracle happens, i wont catch this train im writing this post in.

but i gathered my courage and put all my confidence into my prayer and hoped that somehow, somehow i could board this 10.15am's scheduled train. the time was now 10.18am.

suddenly, a new ticket counter opened next to the current counter and i quickly got out from the queue and went straight to the next counter. as i was paying for the ticket, the train doors were already closed so i slowed my pace a little, having doubt that i might not be able to go into this train after all. but the train was moving so slowly and i saw the button 'press to open door' so i pressed it, and the door opened. i think i was the last person to board the train.

it all happened in about 5 minutes, but boy, i learnt a lot about the power of will and prayer :)

p/s: happy birthday ahnaf amir ;) mau kek tunggu my first gaji ok..hehe~~

my lips is itchy and is becoming red. i think its the allergies

2010-05-24T20:37:00.003+08:00

it looks like i left my little shelter here unkept for quite some time :)

alhamdulillah im officially accepted into the biggest company in malaysia and is now undergoing my training. phew. its a big thank you to The Almighty and my loved ones who always stay by me no matter how hard things turn out to be. abah, ma, adik2, sayang, pck amer and family, petronas, dearest friends and their family as well as supportive society members, thank you so much. thank you.

thank you again.

i'll try to keep this little niche of mine company, though i have to admit that my time would surely be restricted. i told my boyfriend that i want to write as ambitious as ever, as committed as my inspiring interviewer, but he told me to be realistic- though its hard to admit, i wont have much leisure time to spend on my blog anymore. but i know that he knows how stubborn i am. i'll just let fate decide where my stubbornness will end up then :D

for the short memo of the things ive missed writing:

1. the program im attending is called PIPE (Petronas Induction Programme for new Executives). i found many marvellous, sometimes mischievous though high achievers new petronas executives here. all are amiable and have high potential in showing exceptional performance in their respective fields. each session are competitive (because we made it to, not because we necessarily need it to be ;p) and very much enjoyable. but i need to constantly remind myself that im in the middle of a job right now; play time should be managed well. nevertheless, meeting all these comrades is a real good deal. like one of the petronas staff said, these are the people that you'll grow in the organisation with. and so far things have been nothing but memorable experience. for example, today i gave elephants their bath and feed my favourite animal since i was small- the giraffes. we went to zoo negara for a corporate social responsibility service. i'll get my loved ones to go volunteer here as well. it was a one-of-a-kind experience for me, so i hope others can get the chance too. if anyone wants to volunteer please tell me :)

2. spiffy died last saturday. at first he was sick due to food poisoning; he liked to eat almost anything he could get his paws on and the mackerel in tin that we bought for him somehow was already bad. we brought him to the nearest animal clinic and got him some med and other foods. a week later he recovered almost thoroughly, before..one day awin accidentally glided the gate onto sleeping spiffy. his paws were bleeding and he had traumas, he got terrified and was shaking to his wake. i almost cried seeing him limped but i knew that i had to be strong for him. so i kept strong. but days later, when he almost recovered and started to jump out from my lap that i was so happy, a neighbour of ours pulled one of his ear until he was in middle air and his inner ear bled. since that incident, he refused to eat and drink. i cant express how sad and helpless i felt for him. i had to prepare for my PIPE program the next week. on the morning of Saturday 15th of May 2010, i kissed him before i went to klcc to meet my friends for financial support. i never thought that it would be the last time that i kiss him. even now i miss him so much that sometimes it gave me nightmares and each time i remembered the day and how he died, i had a tough time to hold back my tears. but i know that he's happy with Him now. :)

im holding on, and like he said, we'll strive it through insha Allah..ameen3..

hey, its 645pm mr headache

2010-04-05T17:24:00.008+08:00

i remembered the title of a book written by Mrs Y (i forgot the author) last night entitled 'as i was passing by'. perhaps that's the best that can describe what i wanted to relate in this post.

jodi picoult triggered my will and idea to write, again. i bought her newest book 'house rules' at kinokuniya last tuesday after my interview, and has been reading it since. i'm now at page 135. and perhaps because i still cannot stop reading it i even bring it out and read it inside the car while we were on our way to KKB. as a result, i got headache.

or maybe the headache was because i didnt eat before we got on the road. or because the road was curvy and the journey was quite long i hadnt anticipated it. or perhaps because the aircond was on too long and the car windows werent open that i felt suffocated. many times i figured out that my sickness were mostly psychologically related rather than externally caused. for example, my perfectionism makes me feel nauseous when something unanticipated occurs, because i feel i cannot do enough preparation to handle the late notice.

and now i probably sound like a freak. whatsoever, there are some things about myself that i have discovered in recent years, and the reason i stated them out is because i cannot draw out appropriate measures to problems i havent appropriately address. its a mechanism of coping and changing for the better, i can positively say.

because when abah passed away i didnt appropriately blurt out what i exactly feel, simply because i was so small i didnt know how to react, so i found my way out through excelling in my studies rather than facing my sadness and grief directly. my success was actually an escapism.

i dont regret it, because alhamdulillah Allah is Most Loving that things turned out to be good; i am here for everything i have experienced and did so far. but i realized that somehow my sunken, hidden wounds started to open up and are taking its credits, that i cannot ignore their effects anymore. thus i learned, and came out with a lesson that certain feelings shouldnt be locked inside our heart; it should be communicated. and how Allah is Most Gracious He blesses me with people who understand and are always be pleased to help.

next time if i have a chance to meet my interviewer again and jodi picoult, i'd like to thank them for indirectly helped me to realize many important things in my life. i thank you.

due to the headache i made a decision not to read anymore on our way back. so what i did was to observe the things happening around us while mama was driving. i noticed that some cyclists (mostly students) cycle along the traffic and some cycle against the traffic, which i thought can be a problem. imagine having two students cycling on the same road but at a point, are on the opposite directions of each other. that can be confusing and dangerous as well, because automatically they will pass each other and make a two-way traffic all by themselves, unless one decides to give way to another.

i suggest that there should be a law that says cyclists should cycle against the traffic ONLY, not along and against the traffic at the same time. more importantly, parents should guide their children about road safety, especially when their route includes main roads which can become crazy with speeding cars and red-lights' intruders.

yesterday while strolling the aisles at tesco, i noticed a father with his three children, one of them a baby resting on the trolley chewing newspaper. without a second thought i started to reach out my hand to take away the newspaper out of the baby's mouth when i realized that his father was there, looking at the baby and didnt stop the child from chewing it. i had to quickly walk away from them to stop myself from lecturing the father- which i was about to do without a second thought as well; plus due to the fact that mama said 'biarlah anak orang bukan anak kamu'.

two to three times i looked back to that same father and yup, he still ignored his baby as if the newspaper, loaded with carbon prints and unhealthy chemicals was a perfect toy for his child. i could only shake my head. that was why i stopped mama from buying gaseous drink for rais as usual, even though when we got back he sulked and searched for fights with ahnaf, which then ended up with all of us sleeping at about 1am and i practically got backache. so much for trying to save him from killing himself with doses of acids (he loves coke too much).

the sounds made by our proton wira drives me crazy- when mama corners it sounds like bones being stretched and almost break, which made me put more attention on the road. we got pass some old chinese residents, made from plain woods with hardly any branded furniture. it made me think of flat cold floor with no cushions and cozy pillows, open air and too bright living room and dull colors from in front to the back of the house. i then implied that these houses are not comfortable at all, which is why chinese people can become so victorious- they are never in a comfort zone, because they dont have one.

and that house's image plays inside their head, transferred into a strong ideology of 'always striving and there should never be enough' even until they are rich enough to own a house as big as a palace- perhaps some things never reside away.

i asked rais who happened to follow mama and me and was sitting at the back seat to hand me a candy ustaz gave us earlier in pusat zakat. he offered me a mint candy with a chocolate fill at the centre, which i loathe the most, and of course i rejected it; i asked for an ice tea candy in lieu. i cannot understand why they gave the name of the candy 'dynamite', because warm, slimy chocolate fill flowing through my mint candy onto my toungue so contrast with previous minty feeling would have nothing to do with any bursting flavour.

i hated the candy and all its likes since i was 6. i guess there are things about me that never change, even though my life has changed substantially during its course. mama then talked about how she remembered driving perhaps the oldest, almost rotten, barely alive toyota, painted blue-black and didnt even have signal lights from my past house to KKB, during our very hard times. i silently prayed that i got the job in petronas; i want to buy us better cars, i want to change some things for our family, and i hope the changes are for the better.

insyaAllah ameen.

p/s: happy 14th birthday awin amir ;-)

rm3708, level 37, tower 1

2010-03-31T14:10:00.004+08:00

i don't really know what to conclude from yesterday's interview. perhaps because i found that i had so many shortcomings. but as mr faruk has mentioned, flaws are to be discovered and corrected.

so here i begin.

i wasn't sufficiently prepared for the interview. it has been very long since i had a good discussion which can build up my knowledge- i have left my books and done less readings after i graduated, lost contacts with most of my friends, been stuck at home and not really communicating actively. thus it affected my confidence somehow that i found myself struggling with the correct words and the right impressions for the interviewers.

second, i didn't had enough rest. this may not actually my fault; because things happened and all i could do was trying my best. i had a short notice on monday morning to come fill an empty interview slot the next day, and because i thought all i had to do was come to klcc the next morning and the email that i was about to receive was only regarding the details of the location and time of interview, i agreed to make an appearance.

however, i was instructed to do a questionnaire of 108 questions and also to complete online details and submitting my resume online, and i had to complete these before the interview session. apart from that, i had to prepare relevant documents and bring them to be certified. the internet connection in my house was very slow; the online page was barely downloaded and i almost cried thinking that i might not be able to settle the questionnaire on time. however my mother and boyfriend was very supportive, mama drove me here and there to help me settle the certifying thingy and my boyfriend called and voiced out each one of the questionnaire from number 1 until 108. it took us about three hours to complete. boy, i was very lucky. i slept then at about 2am and woke up at 430am to finish my online resume submission wherein i had to write an essay on why i should be hired. i didn't regret all that had happened; it taught me how in difficult times i have to hold on and to make sure i keep doing the best that i can, although to some extent it did affect my performance during the interview the next day.

on the other hand, i had two very supportive interviewers who didn't mind bearing with me and keep being positive throughout the whole interview. they helped me to expand my responses and give constructive criticisms to make me realize my mistakes and do immediate improvements for the better. to make amend, i told myself that a part of me which swings aimlessly; undecided, afraid to make approach, a part of me that thinks too much yet act less, should be halted. i vowed to upgrade my knowledge of the global world, being more matured not only in attitude-wise but also in knowledge sense. in short, i want to be more resourceful. insyaAllah ameen...

i don't know the result for the interview. they informed me that i can call after two weeks time. i really hope that i get the job, i really hope that i'll be given a chance to make amends. ameen ameen ameen...i'm touched that myra's mum did solat hajat for me. thank you so much mum.. :) and i want to thank mama, sayang, and the petronas staffs that have helped me so much in making sure that everything went well. alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah the highly exalted.

all's well that ends well, insyaAllah. ameen...

encik aliah bersamamu, 25032010

2010-03-25T01:03:00.008+08:00

i just finished watching 'the informant' starred by matt damon. i dont know why, his movies always have a way to make my head think of what i perhaps never brought myself to ponder upon. this time, it is about lying.

it scares me to tears to think about what could have been; the worst case scenario, i mean. how people can get swayed so far away doing a wrong thing, be it any types of crimes- stealing, cheating, white collar crimes, killing, even arguing with your friends and not respecting your own family- without knowing how big a disaster it has made upon you. when and how to stop. who would helped you realize that all the way, it has all been...wrong. and will you get the strength to change for the better, or will you even have the time and chances to mend things, to put things right. will there be people to help you get through your past, your guilt, your loss.

people can be so blinded by their ambitions, dreams and even themselves that they cannot see the truth anymore. more importantly when we are living in a world where religion and moral values are at second, well, perhaps third (or last?) place in human's heart, it is not easy to see and practice the solution to this problem anymore. one thing that comes into my mind then is that, i just hope i'll die well. and that i'll be saved. and i hope that everyone whom i know accept the same grateful fate. ameen.

all these uncertainties and fright for the future makes me contemplate how far people can go strolling down his or her life just to realize how much they love all the people that they left back home. and that all i have wanted is a life been blessed, no matter how hard it may be. it is hard to stay true to yourself, it's hard to stand being patient when life throws rubbish at your face, it's hard dealing with people with very different characteristics from yourself, it's hard to be intrapersonal sometimes, it's hard to keep your head high and continue trying to keep your pace with other people, not wanting to be left out, when sometimes you actually dont even care.

i was touched with this week's episode of 'bersamamu'. like malay people said, 'sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga.' but i am deeply amazed by their spirit to make living and dealing with their drawbacks. the husband said that whenever he works, even if he doesnt stop for a rest at all, his wife never asks him to take a break, and he's okay with it. he said, 'we do as much as we can.' i found it beautiful because it gives them a clear purpose to live, when many of us are granted so many but still are lost in reasoning. but i guess, a soul is gifted with what it is able to carry.

alhamdulillah, we are still loved and blessed. alhamdulillah.

off to bed. take good care everyone. assalamualaikum and sleep tight.. =)

akon- be with you

2010-03-13T23:56:00.007+08:00

last week was quite a busy yet fulfilling one. nina broke three bones at work; i suddenly found myself in the train to kl sentral heading to her apartment at damansara about two hours after she called, still thinking about how i could be so drastic and committed about going. i have few friends; i don't socialize much and seldom travel far alone for a friend; even though i know that she needed help, i couldn't see anything that i can do for her.

but i guess it was because mama was so worried that the first thing in her mind was that nina needed help and someone had to be there, fast. at first i didn't mind going because i thought mama would accompany me as usual, but then she said she couldn't come because my brothers were having exams and she had to be home, and so i had to go alone. i have never been to nina's place before; i had to find my way there by myself. that made me realize how- because i have already accustomed to mama accompanying me everywhere when i am at home- that i had took her existence for granted. deep inside i have always dreamed to be like other girls my age who go places with their friends, driving cars to work and don't really stick at home. unlike me who sits at home, cooking, watching over my brothers, reading and watching movies. it sets such a juxtaposition to my education level; i am forced to think that "i'm supposed to do this and that, instead of being stuck at home".

frankly speaking, i don't really care. sometimes i feel that all i want to do is to be married to him, live happily as an obedient housewife and a good mother at home. but i know that's impossible; there would always be something inside me, something i am born with, something i'm destined to do, a bigger contribution for the whole world, a heavier responsibility, that will continuously starves for my attention. i need very supportive mother, husband and family that can understand my hunger in educating myself and the community, helping other people in significant and specific ways. although i know that the road won't be smooth, i simply can't ignore it.

if i should be sorry for anyone, i am very sorry.

three days with nina was not as surprising as i thought, but it still amazed me. i always hear about the life of wealthy people, but never had i a chance to be in one- through the life of one of my best friends. sometimes i thought it is ridiculous that nina regards me as one of her very valued friends. i used to think that other people can always have someone else that is better for them. i sincerely don't have anything to offer to anyone else; i just hope that i can be there when they need me, and i'll help in any way that i can insyaAllah.

through nina i learned how rich, genius and positive a person can be, but even with all that she has, she cannot live alone. i think that's a very beautiful example; sorta like telling me that it's okay to be imperfect and it's alright to depend on other people and ask for help when you need one. nina told me 'seorang ustaz bagitau nina, bila orang nak tolong biarkan dia tolong. kita jangan sekat dia buat baik, jangan taknak orang tolong sampai makan diri sendiri' when i helped her to the bathroom with her cane.

i loved her place very much when i found out that there's a swimming pool at the middle of the apartments. we spent about an hour in the morning and almost three hours in the evening swimming. i have always loved to swim, it made me think that perhaps i should add 'swimming pool' as a must-have item when i eventually own my house one day. well, of course if it's not too expensive. a cheaper alternative would be a house built near to a swimming pool accommodation. other stuffs that i have added to my must-have items are an oven, a laptop, and not so spacious and bright living room. perhaps i'll learn to sew too, so that i can make my own curtains and cushion covers just like makcik ros. i want a house that's always clean, pleasing, tranquil and homey. but i do like periodic changes and varieties; when i was small and had my own room i changed the positions of my bed and tables every two to three weeks.

on the second day, we ate at a restaurant named 'delicious', located at the first floor of one utama, which served the best food i have ever eaten in my whole life. for a not so wealthy person like me, i am completely sober to say that i'm not exaggerating. the food was so superb that i kept on smiling while eating, feeling so happy. i hope one day i can bring mama and adik2 there, and perhaps one day he and i can have a date there. maybe we can make it a once-in-a-year event. nina said it should be a once-in-a-month occasion. i smiled and shook my head. 'tgk lah kalau ade rezeki,' i said.

being with nina have always made me think about being rich. will i be able to be rich? what does it mean to be rich? will i be able to handle being rich?

'kalau kite fikir yang kita nak jadi kaya, set brapa banyak kita nak, contohnya 'aku nak sejuta' ke, tak kira lah berapa pun yang kita nak, takkan cukup. tapi fikir je macam ni, kita doa ya Allah, biarlah bila kita nak duit tu, dia ada dan cukup. tak kisah lah kalau kadang2 dalam poket kita tinggal 10 sen 20 sen, tapi takpe sebab time tu kita tak perlukan duit. yang penting bila kita nak beli ape2, nak bayar ape2, duit tu ade.' that's what nina told me.

'tapi cam mane dengan perancangan masa panjang? orang cakap, kita kena rancang untuk family nanti, untuk masa depan, kena saving, kan? jadi papepun, kene sentiasa ade duit jgak..' i prompted the question to her.

'yup..btul tu..jadi kita kene bezakan, mana yang kita perlu, mana tak perlu. mana yang kta nak, mana yang kita taknak. mana yang kita boleh dapat, mana tak boleh.' nina bounced back.

i guess being rich doesn't mean that we can have everything. that's a relief, because i will be terrified if i can have everything. it would be a world of complete mess and unsettling thoughts. but now that i realized that just as other advantages in the world, richness is a blessing to control.

and when i felt relieved after reaching home, it also made me realize that we can still be happy without being rich. but for me, Allah exposed me to being rich, to being well educated, to have this certain circle of friends, to have this certain kind of orphanhood and challenges throughout my adolescence days for a reason. somehow it gives me a purpose to live, different perspectives and open options as to how i should live my life.

and i hope through these knowledge i can slowly fill up the holes in my life, to innovate our lives and to correct my mistakes for myself and my family. i hope i can, we all can have a better ending for the stories of our lives.

ameen...

p/s: this post is kinda long, i know ;p

a new home

2010-03-01T09:19:00.003+08:00

yesterday was a pick-a-page day. ahnaf chose the page from the Oxford Advanced Learner's dictionary.

"page 61: assiduous: working hard and showing careful attention to detail"

and yesterday was a family day as well. we went to the new opened tesco at rawang, ate some nice foods and strolled along shops. bought some stuffs but we didn't spend too much time there. for me, it was short and sweet.

alhamdulillah, so very glad that i got all my things back from Melbourne. thank you so much Najwa for your hospitality in keeping my box for me. man, it was heavy. but all my stuffs were in there; most importantly my favourite jeans and japanese textbooks. now i can soak myself into japanese words again; though sensei, it will never be the same without you =(

that's okay, i'll find a way. like how i opened my mouth to speak my intention to ipoh to celebrate his birthday. it was wonderful and splendid. thank you for letting me go, ma. i really appreciate it..

so far, things have been complicated. i guess they have always been that way, the only question is to how best i can manage. i admittedly realize that i'm not very strong- all i do is just keep walking. sometimes i feel that i cannot see the future anymore; life is always unpredictable. but something urges me to take a few small steps ahead, one step at a time.

and see how things go then. besides, most things are not absolute, as we all know. for example, the internet connectivity in Desa Melur is almost 70% less efficient than it was in Taman Melati. we are thinking about changing to streamyx, especially with me working, mama more widely socializing and my siblings keep growing. it is an upgrade of the family. another change is, i don't have to think too much about my youngest brothers anymore- they are no longer kids. so i should spend more time for myself, and worry less. or, i should worry more about myself. uwm, that sounds worrying.

last but not least, i love Sherlock Holmes the movie. it simply inspires, put me in awe. i wonder about becoming one. hmm.

this is the only entry for february 2010

2010-02-19T14:00:00.003+08:00

sorry for the late post..

happy birthday my love..

=)

p/s: happy belated beday too, afiq (or kupan? hahaha~~) (=

together we stand, together we strive

2010-01-29T18:35:00.003+08:00

when i was only at page 68, i said it was a thrill; that i could see something was opening up. but when i came to page 300, it was full of confusion and conflict. a life story, especially a good one, is always more complicated, unsettling though at the same time revealing, than we have ever imagine it may be.

at some point after that, i thought that maybe i should stop reading. or perhaps i should have never started reading it. with a novel, i could easily do that, but i didn't, because i felt that i need to know the ending of the story.

and somehow it is the same with life. through thick and thin, no matter how it started and whatever lies on the way, like you said, 'the end is what matters the most'.

that's how i keep on going, with you. that's how i stay, that's how i never let you go. we have always dreamed and longed for this love; i want you just as much as you want me.

that's why we'll go on, slowly and steadily. we may stumble on the way, we may fall on slippery edges, but we'll stand together again. we cannot promise anything to each other, but we will try our best.

as for the rest, we let Allah decides. for it is in His hands that everything is written, all prayers end up upon. o Allah, please forgive us for our sins and help us through. we need You so, so much.

ameen.

cv cepat lah siap..

2010-01-24T19:14:00.004+08:00

i'm not used to feeling stranded. i am claustrophobic, and sometimes feel like i am put into an air-tight bottle, sealed. no matter how much i scream, my voice cannot penetrate through.

perhaps it is me to blame. yes, i think it is. maybe i am always a stranger, someone who cannot fit in with others.

and no matter how many stories i want to tell, i am better off with my mouth shut. and i think i'm doing it better day by day.

perhaps it is always better this way, especially if it saves a lot of hurt.

happy new year..

2010-01-02T16:53:00.002+08:00

i don't know which comes and stay and which comes and go. but i know that family stays.

tho someday all my brothers and sister will eventually go, towards their own ambitions; to build their own lives. they will leave the house. i don't know where i'm going, yet i cannot stay either; i know that eventually i must go, too.

but if i ever lose everything, they are all that i've got. God i love them, and i am always proud of them.

Phil Collins- You'll Be In My Heart

Come stop your crying

It will be all right

Just take my hand Hold it tight

I will protect you

from all around you

I will be here

Don't you cry

For one so small,

you seem so strong

My arms will hold you,

keep you safe and warm

This bond between us

Can't be broken

I will be here

Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on

Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand

the way we feel

They just don't trust

what they can't explain

I know we're different but,

deep inside us

We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on

Now and forever more

Don't listen to them

'Cause what do they know

We need each other,

to have, to hold

They'll see in time

I know

When destiny calls you

You must be strong

I may not be with you

But you've got to hold on

They'll see in time

I know

We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on,

Now and forever more

Oh, you'll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You'll be in my heart, always

Always

soulja, kiss me thru' the phone

2009-12-30T12:28:00.007+08:00

perhaps because my bubbles of ideas have somehow burst and flew away or that it is due to me being so preoccupied while trying to survive through an unprecedented study life, that i have come to write less. or maybe because the mysteries of life have unfolded in front of me faster than i can express them through writing, which erased the need to write them. of which is true, i am unsure.

however, even as a person who always try to retain what i can and i think i should, like the basic principles and beliefs which i have understood and embraced, or the precious people in my life that i have come to love and vowed to protect, i still have to admit that things do change, such as the frequency, style and content of my writings.

and that, there is always a trigger to a good post- an inspiration- that sparks and lifts me up whenever i read a good book such as one i'm reading now.

handle with care, by jodi picoult.

i don't know what other people think about a good post; for me, my good post is when i can write a fluent english composition of what i sincerely feel. it feels like i have gained something good and that i can share it with others, even when sometimes i haven't really found what i'm looking for. it is simply the safety and the easiness to convey what i think i feel deep down inside me. i always know that this road is long and it's not yet ending. i mean, i'm only at page 68 ;p

but i can feel the thrill, and the ability to convey this is assuring. something is opening up.

may we all be blessed with good books =) ameen..

p/s: somehow i have realized that i want to eat healthily, not for anyone else but my future babies :D

dengan sukacitanya dimaklumkan

2009-12-04T09:55:00.005+08:00

baru seperti semalam terima surat tawaran dari petronas untuk pengajian bachelor of science di australia, dengan wajah blur dan selamba. gembira tidak, stress tidak, bangga tidak. hanya memikirkan yang seperti biasa, ada kerja yang harus disiapkan.

setahun di kolej dan 3 tahun di universiti. seperti rojak.

dan malam tadi semuanya sudah selesai. satu degree sudah terlaksana. insyaAllah graduasi pada 15 disember 2009.

ada beberapa perkara pasti akan berubah, seperti aku insyaAllah akan bekerja dengan petronas. dan ada beberapa perkara tak pernah berubah, seperti aku nak kawen, nak kawen, nak kawen. haha~~ =)

doakan yang terbaik untuk kita semua insyaAllah ameen..dan terima kasih atas doa, cinta, pertolongan, masa dan kesabaran kalian semua. walaupun sayangku sangat merendah diri untuk menerimanya, perempuanmu akan sentiasa tetap degil untuk berterima kasih.

sebesar-besar alhamdulillah dari dasar kehinaanku, Tuhanku.

menjamu selera di rumah org afghanistan

2009-11-29T20:35:00.003+08:00

time raya haji hari tu aku ngan safia g makan kt rumah kawan afghanistan aku. setiap tahun dia mesti ajak aku makan kat rumah dia. disebabkan kitorang pegi awal (ingatkan pegi awal dapat la balik awal, rupa2nya smpai plg awal balik plg lmbt sebab dia yg amek hantarkan kitorang) maka kitorang dpat merasa makan breakfast dan tengahari dan dessert dan minum petang. haha~~

2012 afiq kata akan berlaku perang. bukan, bukan tahun 2012, tapi 20disember ni. kiranya lagi 21 hari. pakatan2 akan mula melancarkan serangan, terhadap..terhadap..aku...sob2..kenapalah nasibku macam ni..walau papepun ku tetap takkan mengaku kalah!! yeahhh!

tapi papepn senanye nak cite pasal makanan afghanistan. yang paling obvious ialah sedap, lembut sebab lama dimasak dan unik. sedap sebab macam-macam pilihan dan rasa, dan tak pedas so aku boleh makan banyak-banyak. hehe~

lembut, contohnya daging ayam dan kambing dia memang lembut, kentang pun lembut, nasi tak melekit dan siap ada dua pilihan, kaler kuning dan hijau. dua-dua sedap; so aku letak dua-dua jenis nasi dalam pinggan.

unik sebab lain dari masakan melayu, org afghanistan tak guna santan, diorang banyak guna rempah, herba dan suka sangat makan kekacang. cardamon (tak sure ape nama dia dlm bhs melayu) yang selalu kita letak dalam nasi briyani atau ns minyak, diorang kisar halus dan campur dalam teh atau susu. sedappp~~ aroma pun best..nak hadam pun senang. lemak pun tak banyak. sebab tu aku suka..hehe~

lepas tu budaya diorang pun sangat lain. kat afghanistan, tetamu dilarang bawak makanan ke rumah tuan rumah. lain kan macam kita, suka buat pot luck, suka tukar-tukar juadah etc. tapi bagi diorang kalau tetamu bwk buah tangan tu menandakan makanan diorang tak cukup, seolah-olah tetamu tu cakap 'kat rumah awak takde makanan ni, so saya bawak'. ia seperti satu penghinaan.

lepas tu, tuan rumah WAJIB greet setiap orang yang datang rumah diorang waktu diorg datang dan pulang. kalau tuan rumah tertinggal mengucap walau seorang pun tetamu, seminggu kemudian mesti akan tersebar cerita bahawa ada orang yang kecil hati sebab tuan rumah tak menyapa dia. kat malaysia kan lain, time open house semua orang datang pergi, kadang-kadang sampai orang yang tak dijemput pun datang makan kan? hehe~~ kawan afghanistan aku cakap bila dia pergi rumah open house kawan dia yang dari singapore, dia terkejut sebab kawan dia relax je duduk kat dalam rumah padahal orang keluar masuk.

lagi satu, tetamu takkan makan selagi tak dijemput tuan rumah, dan takkan tambah selagi tak dijemput tuan rumah, dan tuan rumah takkan duduk diam walau sesaat sebab nak memastikan semua tetamu dilayan dengan sebaik-baikkkkknya. kawan aku cakap, kalau seorang tetamu tu makan tanpa dijemput, semua orang akan fikir yang dia tak makan seminggu, sebab tu dia tak sabar-sabar nak makan. tuan rumah pulak kena sentiasa pastikan semua orang makan banyak, bila dia nampak seorang dah nak habis makan dia akan offer lagi suruh tmbah, dan kalau dia perasan tetamu tu tak makan banyak dia akan offer untuk sediakan makanan lain. penat giler jadi tuan rumah. kawan aku cakap bila dia dtg rumah adik dia pun keluarga dia dilayan macam tu. sampaikan, anak-anak dia pun ditidurkan oleh adik dia. dia tak buat ape-ape pun, just makan, makan, makan...huhu~~ bahaye ni..

tapi best dpt belajar pasal budaya orang. cuma sedih bila dengar tentang kehidupan terdesak orang2 afghanistan; disebabkan perang antara taliban dan US negara diorang kucar-kacir. sekolah semua tutup, budak2 perempuan umur belasan tahun dah kahwin. kawan aku tu kahwin umur 18; ayah dia kena kahwinkan dia dengan lelaki yang padan dengan dia, tapi dia tak kisah sangat, sbab kalau tak, orang-orang tua kaya yang jahat akan mintak untuk kahwin dengan prmpuan2 muda. lepas kahwin dia berhijrah ke australia. kawan aku cakap ade je budak perempuan umur 12 tahun yang masih main anak patung, tiba-tiba disuruh duduk atas pelamin dan ditunjukkan pada lelaki berjanggut kat sebelahnya yang 'itu suami awak'. tak ke gila? keluarga yang sanggup jual anak perempuan sendiri disebabkan kesempitan kewangan.

apa-apa pun sama-samalah doakan semoga perang di afghanistan berakhir cepat dan negara itu jadi aman. insyaAllah ameen. kawan aku cakap dia teringin nak duduk malaysia, nanti boleh aku cadangkan dia bukak restoran afghan satu. yummmyyy!! =)

Terima keputusan 5A UPSR depan jenazah ibu

2009-11-21T09:26:00.004+08:00

sumber: http://www.malaysiakini.com/news/117939

Nov 20, 09 4:10pm
Tidak seperti murid Tahun Enam lain yang kegirangan ketika menerima keputusan cemerlang 5A Ujian Pencapaian Sekolah Rendah (UPSR), Siti Amynur Ain Putri Rosdy kesedihan menerima keputusan itu di hadapan jenazah ibunya.

Apabila keputusan UPSR diumumkan di pejabat Sekolah Kebangsaan Taman Dusun Nyior, Seremban semalam, Siti Amynur Ain Putri berada di surau rumah rakyat Taman Dusun Nyior untuk membantu kaum keluarga yang lain menguruskan jenazah ibunya, Rusmah Abdullah, 47, yang meninggal dunia akibat tekanan darah rendah pada tengah malam Rabu selepas terlantar di wad hospital selama dua minggu.

Berderai air mata Siti Amynur Ain Putri dan kaum keluarga yang lain apabila guru besar sekolah itu, Noreha Adam menyampaikan keputusan ke tangan pelajar itu sendiri di hadapan tubuh kaku ibunya beberapa minit sebelum solat jenazah dimulakan pada pukul 11.30 pagi semalam.

"Saya sedih sangat, ibu tidak dapat melihat keputusan ini. Ibu selalu berpesan semasa hidup bahawa saya ini harapan dia, ayah pula sudah meninggal dunia empat tahun lalu," kata Siti Amynur Ain Putri dengan linangan air mata kepada Bernama.

Pelajar itu kini hidup yatim piatu bersama abangnya yang berusia 14 tahun.

Selepas ayahnya meninggal dunia akibat sakit tibi, ibu Siti Amynur Ain Putri bekerja sebagai pencuci di sebuah hotel bajet rendah di Seremban dengan pendapatan RM500 sebulan.

April lepas, ibunya terpaksa berhenti kerja apabila pelajar itu mengalami kemalangan sehingga patah kaki dan keluarga itu terpaksa hidup dengan bantuan kewangan RM400 sebulan.

Setiap hari selepas berhenti kerja, ibunya akan berjalan kaki sejauh satu kilometer untuk menghantar nasi bungkus kepada Siti Amynur Ain Putri kerana pelajar itu tidak balik rumah untuk menunggu kelas bimbingan UPSR.

Guru besar Sekolah Kebangsaan Taman Dusun Nyior, yang terkejut ketika dimaklumkan ibu Siti Amynur Ain Putri meninggal dunia, berkata: "Siti merupakan ketua murid di sekolah kami. Kami tahu dia akan mendapat keputusan cemerlang.

Pagi-pagi saya sudah ke Pejabat Pelajaran Daerah untuk mengambil keputusan (UPSR) seawal mungkin.

"Saya nekad untuk mendapat keputusan cepat dan sampaikan sendiri ke tangan Siti sebelum jenazah ibunya di kebumikan di tanah perkuburan Makam Tuan Haji Said," katanya.

Beliau dengan ditemani seorang guru hampir sahaja terlewat dan Noreha tidak putus-putus berdoa supaya Siti Amynur Ain Putri menerima berita baik di sebalik ujian berat yang menimpa pelajar itu.

Ketika menyampaikan keputusan itu ke tangan murid Tahun 6 itu, Noreha berkata suasana sangat hiba dan puluhan orang termasuk ahli surau terdiam tetapi beliau mengumpul semangat untuk memberitahu kepada murid itu: "Ibu tentu tahu Siti mendapat keputusan cemerlang".

Noreha, yang berpengalaman dalam bidang perguruan selama 24 tahun, kini berusaha untuk membantu Siti Amynur Ain Putri mendapat tempat di sekolah berasrama penuh.

"Siti ini tabah orangnya, kami tidak tahu pun ibunya dimasukkan ke wad selama dua minggu sebelum meninggal dunia. Semasa Siti patah kaki pada April lepas, dia mendapat cuti sakit selama dua bulan tetapi masuk bulan kedua, dia berazam untuk datang ke sekolah," katanya.

Katanya Siti Amynur Ain Putri mahu mengubah kemiskinan keluarganya dan bercita-cita menjadi seorang pensyarah. - Bernama

adik-adik yang kuat, akak pastinya tak ada sebab untuk menganggap diri ini malang dan boleh berlemah-lemah. terima kasih dik, akak selalu doakan kesejahteraan dan kejayaan adik-adik dan ibu ayah di dunia dan akhirat. akak sangat yakin Allah amat sayangkan kalian sekeluarga bila didugaNya dengan cubaan seberat ini. insyaAllah ameen..

i insist that i'm still okay, because it's true

2009-11-18T21:03:00.005+08:00

i gazed at the clock at the far right end side of my laptop as the cicadas started to sing. 'it's only 6pm,' i threw my face towards the window, looking out into space, just to find nothing. no birds were flying past my windows at that time.

i never really liked the pills. somehow i feel it messes up with my digestion system; so i usually take them around afternoon or after i have my dinner. but lately i have become easily tired. it was quite unfathomable.

i may not eat a lot, but i still had the energy to suffice my weekly exercise, unlike now. perhaps more specifically since this year's winter. i cannot even count how many pills i had to take this year, and until now still. two vitamin C and 6 vitamin D tablets everyday? sometimes i feel like vomiting them out.

and now the sleepless nights? and the back of my neck and lower back feel painful; perhaps because i stare at the computer and sit still for too long. sometimes shortness of breath especially when i lie down, and when i wake up there's blood in my nose. and i don't feel as energetic anymore.

please, i don't want to go to the clinic or hospital again. please.

perhaps i should stop taking the vitamin D. i think i'll give the cease a try.

-a month to go.

tiada sebab untuk mengeluh, selalu bersebab untuk bersyukur

2009-11-07T14:13:00.007+08:00

kalau berdosa menyakitkan hati orang yang dah tiada, cukupkah rasa menyesal ini untuk aku diampunkan?

'ni kenapa cakap suara pelan sangat ni?' mama ketawa kecil. 'macam lah mama marah dia kan,' mama sambung. 'eh takde lah..bese2 jer suara qilah..hehe,' aku menjawab.

qilah kan dari dulu selalu jauh dari mama. segan lah qilah dengan adik-adik; diorang lebih paham perangai mama camane, tak serupa qilah. anak bijak yang selalu merantau tak bijak di rumah sendiri.

episod-episod berkenalan dengan mama suatu proses yang selalu menguji. tapi kasih sayang mama sentiasa menang akhirnya.

'tak patut lah seorang ibu atau bapa tu tak belajar dari anak-anaknya, tak berubah menjadi lebih baik seperti mana anak-anaknya. memalukan je lah, kan?' kemudian mama gelak-gelak.

mama yang walaupun lantang bersuara, sentiasa cuba belajar untuk mendengar anak-anaknya. mama yang walaupun nampak kasar, tak pernah lupa akan anak-anaknya ke mana saja dia pergi. sanggup berbelanja beratus-ratus dan pergi mencari doktor dari satu klinik ke satu klinik bila hasif sakit gigi. ibu yang sanggup membeli buku-buku resipi baru supaya anaknya yang dah kurus makan sedap-sedap bila balik rumah nanti. mama yang walaupun dia takut melepaskan anaknya, macam-macam disoal bila mula ada buah hati, tapi sentiasa peka dengan perubahan dan kemahuan anaknya. memahami, bertanya khabar, mahu berkenalan, berbesar hati dan tak sombong untuk bermesra sehingga sanggup menghantar dan memasak-masak dengan buah hati anaknya.

pengorbanan untuk anak yang selalu berdosa.

jika mendengar bebelan mama adalah harga yang perlu aku bayar untuk itu semua, alangkah ringannya. jika menurut apa juga kata mama tanpa rungutan walaupun kadang-kadang bercanggah pendapat dapat menebus jasa mama, alangkah mudahnya. jika bersabar sedikit dan ketawa kecil melihat mama marah-marah pada adik-adik setimpal dengan bau syurga, alangkah murahnya.

Tuhanku, padaMu ku meminta kekuatan. berikanlah ketabahan kepada kami adik-beradik, untuk menjadi anak-anak yang beruntung. jadikanlah mama ibu yang sangat bahagia. apa-apa yang Kau tentukan, kuatkanlah kami untuk redha dan sabar, kerana aku pasti waktu itu takkan lama.

jangan biarkan ku terlupa, ya Allah. ameen ya rabbal alameen.

yang dekat, yang jauh, yang terlepas, yang tak dapat-dapat

2009-10-30T04:43:00.004+08:00

'rais tak tau apa nama perasaan tu. tapi rais rasa sesuatu bila tengok cahaya mencelah-celah lantai kayu tingkat atas kat rumah opah. sama macam bila rais tengok gamba-gamba abah yang dah warna kuning time abah muda-muda. sama jugak bila rais pergi kawasan luar rumah opah belah banyak-banyak pasu kat tangga tu, tempat kita selalu main aci kejar.'

'uwm.' terdiam sekejap, bukan cuba memahamkan apa yang dia cakap tapi cuba memahamkan bagaimana budak 11 tahun boleh menjadi sangat terus-terang dengan perasaannya.

'bukan perasaan tenang?'

'bukan. tenang bila tengok air sungai mengalir, tu tenang. gembira pun bukan, sedih pun bukan. entah lah rais tak tahu apa perasaan tu.'

'ape ek perasaan tu? akak tak sure lah, tapi dalam bahasa jepun kalau tak silap diorang panggil natsukashii. dalam bahasa inggeris dipanggil reminiscing. sama jugak bila rais dah besar dan tengok balik buku-buku sekolah rais tahun lepas-lepas, atau bila kita pergi rumah batu gajah, kan?'

'aah.'

'teringat balik lah tu. terkenang. uwm, rais rasa perasaan tu bagus ke tak?'

'entahlah. rasanya bagus.'

'okay lah kalau macam tu..'

rais,
perasaan tu bagus..
membuatkan kita sentiasa sedar siapa diri kita, semua yang kita dah lalui, yang menjadikan siapa kita hari ini.
semua yang Allah letakkan dalam hidup kita dan bagaimana kita mencaturnya selepas itu, jalan mana yang kita pilih.
kemudian waktu berlalu dan beberapa perkara sudah berakhir atau bermula, tanpa kita sedar bagaimana ia mengubah kehidupan kita.
sampailah suatu masa kita tersentak bila terlihat sesuatu yang dulu sangat mesra dengan kita tetapi tidak semesra itu sekarang.
iya, manusia seperti kita memang pelupa, namun dengan kelupaan itu kadang-kadang kita mampu hidup.
cuma nanti, bila kamu besar
akan sampai suatu masa di mana kamu tak mampu pula untuk melupakan. orang-orang kesayangan kamu, hari-hari penting bagi kamu, peristiwa-peristiwa bermakna buat kamu.
sebab kamu sudah berjanji untuk hidup bersamanya sampai kamu menghembuskan nafas terakhir kamu.
maka dengan mengingat, kamu mampu hidup. walaupun kadang-kadang, kerana sangat menyayangi ia jadi menyakitkan kerana kamu tak mampu melupakannya, walau sesaat, walau sejauh mana kamu pergi.

aku bertinggung di tepi tasik selepas berjalan-jalan selama lebih kurang sejam sambil cuba mengajak itik bersembang tapi tak berjaya. jadi aku kaku di situ melihat air tasik, yang seperti lapis-lapis kaca yang panjang bergerak berselang seli ke atas dan ke bawah sambil memantulkan wajah pokok-pokok besar di hujung tasik. kecantikan yang membuatkan aku memandang hp dan mahu segera balik. lalu aku bangkit mengibas punggung dan bergerak pulang.

naruto shippuuden opening song 6: sign by flow

2009-10-24T13:48:00.006+08:00

selalu kegerunan membisukan malam, sampaikan angin lalunya tak menyapa. wajah yang menyinggahi tingkap hanya menangkap kelip-kelip neon; cahayanya menyimbah bagai menjerit-jeritkan sesuatu tapi kerongkongnya seperti sudah ditebang. dan tak kira berapa malam sudah aku di sini dengan kepala berserabut kefahaman itu masih haram, dan mimpi aku masih bersisa darah.

aku cuba perlahan-lahan mengurut jari tangan kelingking, bila sampai ke hujung luka semalam aku picit sehingga keluar darah. cecair tak berwarna membulat di hujung luka, cuba lepas dari lubang yang hampir berjaya dilitup lawan hemoglobin sedari petang semalam. tangan yang masih menggeletar itu cuai lalu terseret sebentar di mulut tin yang aku letakkan dalam peti ais. sekarang bisanya sudah tiada, cepat-cepat kubasuh tangan agar darah tak terkena telekung.

begitu usiaku melakar kenangan dan pegangan. dan dengan pertaruhan yang semakin besar walau sejengkal awan berubah tajam kuperhatikan. kaki yang dulu diseret sekarang dibawa berlari; pun begitu kupaksa diri sekejap berhenti, melegakan cungap nafas mengisi takung air menghaus dan menghalusi arah.

dan pastinya untuk menyembuhkan luka ligamen-ligamen dan saraf-saraf yang putus.

selang masa membiarkan kesakitan sekejap-sekejap datang, menyampaikan aku kepadamu. sementara aku ada di sini doaku sakit ini menguatkan aku ketika aku perlu menyerunya. usia yang kuhabiskan demi mencari perlindungan ketika menghadap kegerunan berpisah denganmu, kerana kita tahu kita tidak merancang untuk berada di sini, begitu juga kita tak mampu merancang untuk pergi.

tapi kerana Tuhanku maha besar maka keizinanNya yang murah aku pohonkan supaya doa-doaku diperkenankan. maka dengan itu selalu ketelusanku yang kaya kecacatan kuminta ditampungNya, moga putus asa selamanya diharamkan dari kami semua. ameen ya Allah.

p/s: abah, selamat hari lahir ;-] (25102009)

duhai panglima yang merindukan mulan, mulan juga merinduimu..hehe~

2009-10-18T05:55:00.008+08:00

sementara
bila tiba liang waktu kesusahan
bertingkah cebik menyusul onar
demi peluh tengik disisir angin berlibasan
dipanjang akal ke depan asa diundur pantang

bersiap-siaplah
diberkahi alam rahmat mengikuti.

insyaAllah ameen...

p/s: doakan final semester sy supaya dipermudahkan dan dikurniakan kejayaan..ameen & makacih.. ;-]

anuar zain- ketulusan hati

2009-09-17T18:27:00.000+08:00

if someone else can see the moon like she does; is it like when he sees her turning back as the wind blows over her shoulder, then the wind carries her scent to him? though he never fails to be dazzled, still, she is always sorry behind her incautious smiles. perhaps that is just exactly her, someone she cant live without. in her mind she keeps on asking if that is not okay, and that maybe he will eventually end up leaving her. in shivers of winter nights she remains silent in endurance, like she always plan to be, no matter how much times she would fail, because he would never give up on her.

hari ke-6

2009-09-15T07:09:00.005+08:00

15 minggu berbaki.

malam tadi nightmare lagi. mungkin gangguan dari laptop yang agak tak sihat. jadi aku bangun awal, gambar ni aku tangkap seawal 430 pagi. sambil membayangkan betapa insyaAllah 15 minggu akan datang mungkin kali terakhir aku berteleku di kerusi itu. harap-harapnya begitulah. ameen ya rabbal alameen.

masa lepas punya cara tersendiri untuk membuatkan aku berasa sejuk. sama seperti ketika aku melihat gambar sekolah yang cikgu-cikgu dan junior aku ambil. aku boleh melihat diri aku dalam uniform berpeluh-peluh mengejar waktu makan tengahari dan bau lauk yang kadang-kadang melekat sampai petang lalu minta segera dibasuh.

dan aku juga dapat membayangkanmu berjalan lambat-lambat mengikut lorong gajah menyusur sambil menekur lantai dan menyeret seliparmu, dengan kedua-dua tangan menyeluk saku seluar kanan dan kiri. kurasakan banyak perkara yang aku tak mampu dalam dunia ini, termasuk berlari ke arahmu waktu itu dan bertanyakan kenapa jalanmu perlahan seperti itu, sedangkan kau seorang yang sentiasa periang dan bersemangat.

dan walaupun sekarang aku sudah tahu sebabnya aku masih rasa begitu.

mama kata adalah normal untuk seorang yang sentiasa mengira-ngira hari kepulangan untuk menangis saat kakinya mula menjejak tanah penantian. sedang aku berkira-kira tentang waktu itu, rindu yang belum terubat dan menyucuk-nyucuk aku usap dengan peringatan bahawa masih ada assignments dan report yang belum siap.

maka dengan itu aku bertahan.

p/s: selamat hari lahir pada aisyah (1409) yang bajet macam dah tinggi la kononnye dan acu (1609) yang sentiasa nak aku balik buatkan dadih untuk dia dan tak malu mengingatkan mama 2 hari lepas 3 hari lagi hari ape ;-]

musim bunga yang sedikit resah

2009-08-31T08:51:00.005+08:00

sahur tadi diteman marini sambil mengunyah roti perlahan-lahan pukul 420 pagi. sekejap-sekejap rasa lekit lalu aku cicahkan roti ke dalam air teh suam. air teh yang dibancuh malam tadi dan masih berbaki yang aku panaskan seminit dalam microwave. mula-mula berfikir mahu makan sekeping lagi roti tapi tak apalah, selera tak ada pula. insyaAllah tahan aje sampai berbuka, alah macam lah tak biasa.

usai solat subuh aku malas-malas bangkit dari sejadah. memikirkan esei dan report yang belum siap, tertangguh sebab influenza. kagum, tak sangka influenza boleh jadi sekuat itu. alhamdulillah sekarang semua dah okay cuma batuk kahak masih belum hilang. apa-apa pun hati aku masih berbunga sebab musim sejuk dah berakhir. cuma resah ini takkan hilang selagi kerja-kerja aku belum siap.

'lagi berapa jam 1 september?' marini mengusik.
'entah lah tak kira. assignments banyak tak siap ni, awak kirakanlah. haha~' aku menjawab selamba, acuh tak acuh melayan adik aku seorang ni. terima kasih lah, dia bukan jenis sensitif macam aku, tahan aje dengan perangai chipsmore aku yang suka tiba-tiba lenyap tanpa sebab. tak pernah merajuk bila aku tak balas mesejnya di ym atau sms yang bila cuti sekolah mengisi bunyi-bunyi seharian aku.

aku tak boleh, tak boleh rehat lagi...jadi aku bangkit terus dari sejadah, melipat telekung dan kembali ke meja penekunan. pukul 758 pagi aku selesai membaca. sekarang perlu fikirkan isi mana aku mahu ambil untuk ditulis dalam esei aku nanti. 1000 perkataan, anggarku dalam 3-4 muka surat. sekejap-sekejap jari-jari meluncur tanpa fikir ke keyboard, klik pada butang facebook dan melihat updates. kemudian ke ym. rindu.

tiba-tiba LGU990 ku berbunyi.

'akum anak ma, tak de klas ke ari ni'.

cepat-cepat aku beralih dari hp dan menyambar telefon rumah. suara awin pertama aku dengar. dah sahur, mama bangun pukul 5 pagi dan buat cucur ikan bilis. aku minta mahu bercakap dengan mama.

'anak ma takde klas ke?'
'ade..pukul 10. ma ngah watpe?'
'baru lepas sahur. tengah mengerah adik-adik kamu sembahyang. tadi anak ma makan ape sahur?'
'owh..qila makan roti. sapu susu. cicah air teh. ma buat cucur ea?'
'aah, alah cucur ikan bilis aje. kitorang kat rumah ni bukan makan nasi pun.'
'same lah qilah, pagi-pagi tak biasa makan nasi.'
'kan kan? kite memang tak biasa macam tu.'

yang peliknya, sekejap-sekejap terdengar suara adik-adik aku gelak di belakang mama. mama kemudian berhenti bercakap dengan aku dan beralih kepada mereka tapi mama tak suruh mereka diam; mama bisikkan sesuatu kemudian cakap 'cepat lah, cepat lah.'

'ma..ma?'
'iye iye..ma de sini..'

tibe-tibe ma cakap 'okay ready..?? 1..2..3..'

happy beday beruang tua..
happy beday beruang tua..
happy beday beruang tua..
happy beday beruang tuaaaaa...

kemudian adik-adik aku mengilai di belakang mama, ketawa yang tersangat seronok sebab dapat mengenakan aku walaupun aku jauh. mama pun tergelak sama.

'mamaaaaa..alaaa..pe beruang tuaaaa..beruang comel laaaa..' kemudian aku pun ikut tergelak.

'tapi awal sehari lah ma.'
'alah, takpe, dah alang-alang kamu call.'
'hehe~ thank you..makacih kat adik-adik gak ea..'
'okay beruang tua..hehe~'
'alaa..npe pulak qilah beruang tua..mak beruang camane..? hehehe~'
'amboii..mak beruang tak masuk list..haha~'
'owh..dah beruang ma, polar bear, grizzly bear, skarang beruang tua pulak ea..'
'hehehe~ beruang makan ramen..nanti balek mesia kurus macam spiral maggi..baju pun saiz XS..hasif kate takde shape..'
'haha~ ello..sape kate tak de shape aa..hasif kuang ajaq ea..'
'haha~ okay2 ma dah ketuk pale dye untuk kamu.'
'yeayy! makacih..haha~
'owh, nah kejap ahnaf nak cakap.'
'okay.'

'yong, tips-tips terakhir ade?'
'tips terakhir? owh, bile upsr ek? bulan 9 kn?'
'aah, 8 hr bulan.'
'owh..uwm..banyakkan bace doa, jangan tinggal solat, bile ma panggil cepat datang wat pe ma suruh..'
'okay..kalau time exam lupe ke blank ke camane?'
'selawat banyak kali..akak dulu selalu wat camtu..'
'okay..kamu bile nak balik? kitorang dah beli baju raye da..ade baju raye kaler purple tak?'
'lagi 16 minggu..hehe~ mane ade warna purple..kenapa?'
'sume pakai kaler same tahun ni..warna purple..'
'aaa...?? tak pena-pena kaler same pastu npe orang nye takde..? nak gak..mane aci sume pakai baju kaler same org still kat sini..eeeee..cakap ngan ma..'
'alaa..nanti raye haji pakai la same-same..'
'takmo..tak same..takkan korang nak pakai baju kaler same dua kali kot?'
'pakai je lah..'
'takmo..tak aci..orang nak join gak..nak cakap ngan ma..'
'ye ye jap jap..nah ma..'

'uih berat tul ahnaf ni sambil cakap kat tepon duk atas riba ma. ma rasa macam 100 kilo duk atas riba ma ni. haha~'
'haha~ ingatkan ahnaf da kurus. maaaa..nape sume kaler same?? qilah nak gak..'
'ye lah ye lah sat g ma nak belikan baju krung aisyah ngan baju melayu hasif nanti ma carikan untuk kamu sekali kalau ade..'
'huhu~ okay..tak acinye pakai kaler same..'
'haha~ kamu da nak balik da kan? tak lama je lagi..'
'aah..lagi 16 minggu..'
'alahai homesick nya anak ma sampai kira minggu..hasif suruh kamu buat macam orang-orang dalam penjara tu, buat macam kira lidi-lidi tu, lepas lukis empat potong..srettt..'
'eee hasif kejam..'
'hahaha~ kamu de klas ni kan?'
'aah..pukul 10..selalu qilah gerak 940 camtu..qilah g siap-siap dulu k..'
'okay sayang ma..take care..i love you..we miss you..'
'huhu~ love and miss u too..ma kem salam adik-adik k..'
'okay..assalamualaikum..'
'waalaikumussalam..'

1 jam 14 minit lebih. sempat bersembang pasal orang miskin, selsema babi dan resepi nasi ayam. lepas ni boleh lah try insyaAllah.

p/s: selamat hari lahir ke-52 malaysia. moga dalam sayang Allah selalu. ameen..~

ramadhan 1431H- prepare for miracles~

2009-08-23T13:28:00.007+08:00

1. it has always been about satisfying my thirst for knowledge, not for the sake of scoring high or meeting deadlines.

2. "allahumma innaka afwul kareem, tuhibbul afwa, fa'fu 'anna- o Lord, You are the most forgiving, and You love Your slaves asking forgiveness from You, therefore please forgive our sins." this prayer mentions the Allah's name 'al-afwu', which not only means The Most Forgiving but also the One who effaces sins (making all the sins disappear as if they were never done). during the judgement day, even the angels who used to dictate our right and wrong doings (atid & rakib, correct me if im wrong) will not remember writing down our sins which have been forgiven under Allah's name al-afwu.

3. dreamed about loved ones, palaces, cakes, beautiful scenery of green hills and slowly flowing blue-crystal clear rivers beside ice, swimming pools and high tech mirror and tv. also about saving my prince through prayers and been kissed.

4. i think spring has started. the sun shines brightly and the clouds are dancing in the sky and the leaves are being blown by the wind. plus i dont feel really cold anymore. it's beautiful.

5. ya Allah, jgn benarkan aku sakitkan org2 yang aku sayang..ameen

6. 'alhamdulillah anak-anak ma so far suma baik2 dan tak susah nak ajar. tak macam anak-anak orang lain, sampai afiq pun cakap 'afiq tak reti kawan ngan sesetengah budak tu, diorg kutuk mak diorang sendiri'. anak-anak ma tak macam tu. ma faham especially time umur-umur korang sekarang ni, hati tu sentiasa rasa resah gelisah. fikir mcm2, psl hidup, ms dpan, bf gf, psl pe org2 ckp tntang korang, stadi semua. sebab tu ma sentiasa btau anak2 ma ma ampunkn dosa anak2 ma yg lepas, sekarang dan akn dtg. sebab ma nak anak2 ma sentiasa tenang. tenang tu penting, tak tenang kta tak boleh bfikir ngan baik. and pesan ma, usah fikir psl org2 yg xda kaitan kasih syg ngan kita, psl pe diorg fikir etc. and kena biasakan dr kecik membantu ma, supaya dpt ringan tulang bila nak membantu orang nanti, beri sedekah etc. sampai bila-bila pun ma nak sentiasa dekat dengan anak-anak ma, take care and reach you all. insyaAllah.'

...to be continued

things that are meant to be will find its way

2009-08-10T15:45:00.002+08:00

today at campus centre while i was wandering around and wondering on whether i should withdraw some money and buy some food, because i'm having a bad cough and a light fever and i thought that i had to eat something before things get any worse, i came across the official opening of Oxfam and Australia aboriginal products selling booth at the Monash Shop. they got free chocolates, jams, spreads, coffees and teas to taste and i was very glad that i could have some and learn something new about what people are doing to help clean the environment and help poor people. i was very delighted.

i was told then by the founders of the Outback Pride, Mike and Gayle Quarmby that all the food originally come from rural areas populated mostly by aboriginal people of Australia. they are processed naturally and manufactured without any preservatives or animal-based substances, thus they are all Halal and are without doubt very good for health. these Australia Native Foods are grown at different places in Australia based on their suitable climate conditions; some are grown in the desert while some at the coastal areas, therefore they dont exploit the soil and ground water like other plants which are grown at a place but are not actually the native plants of that area. these plantations are taken care by the aboriginal people living around the plantation fields who work there and are paid according to the fair trade wages. therefore, these cultivation help tremendously in supporting the economy of aboriginal people as they dont have to go the cities to find jobs yet still have a sound income.

i love their natural and strong taste; they are very concentrated so you dont need to use a lot of them in cookings and other relish but still get a lot of nutrients from that little amount. and because they dont have any artificial preservatives they are absolutely very healthy. imagine having a garden just outside your kitchen window with all these herbs and plants where you can simply pick and put them straight into your cooking pan- that's how fresh and natural their taste like. the only preservatives used are sugar and vinegar and their quantities are monitored by using refractometer to determine their pH so that the food will not be too acidic and thus unhealthy. some of them, for example the Kutjera Relish are so fresh you can actually feel their bitter aftertaste; remember how the saying goes that the more bitter a food is, the healthier it is? still, they have a catchy and pleasant taste when you dip a water cracker biscuit into them or put them into your dish and have a go with them.

the same goes with Oxfam products which originate from Sri Lanka. they are developed and manufactured with the initial intention to help support the aboriginal people living in rural areas and to give them a chance to be just as equal as other people from urban areas whilst maintaining their unique culture and lifestyle. they produce a fantastic range of yummy chocolates, coffees, drinks, Brazil nuts some coated with chocolate as well as souvenirs like t-shirts that have a slogan 'close the gap' between us and aboriginal people, mugs and small colourful decorations for our home. and because all the aboriginal people working on these products are paid with fair trade wages, the products are slightly more expensive than those usually sold in the market. but it explains the exceptional quality, very healthy and environmental-friendly products which are for me, priceless.

i love to help the environment and the unfortunate people, and the people who work towards helping them. thus i am writing to support these organizations and perhaps give inspirations to all of us especially people from my home country Malaysia to preserve our rich native foods and products and to develop them accordingly without abandoning our precious environment, and at the same time create more job opportunities for people living in rural areas and educate our dearest citizens on how to make our beloved Earth a better place to live in.

p/s: i met emma today, a long lost classmate from atmospheric science faculty, and how upset she was when she knew that im not continuing in atmospheric science this year, as she said that im very passionate about climate i deserve more than any other people to continue studying it. but she promised to study hard for my sake (thanks emma) and added me on facebook so that we can keep in touch about what are the things going on in climate stuffs as she is doing it as her major (lucky you ;-]). but that's okay, i guess things happen for a reason. and she also said 'you'll find a way, you definitely will'. ameen...

ya Allah, jgn benarkan aku sakitkan org2 yg aku syg...

2009-08-01T15:35:00.000+08:00

ameen ya rabbal alameen...

because he said that a good head and a good heart is always a formidable combination

2009-07-21T17:57:00.002+08:00

yes, it has been ages.

maybe because of the winter. God i know there's always beauty in winter and that once i go back home i will surely miss it but i still cannot love it that much. my nose got stuffed and it bleeds and i cannot breath properly, causing my lack of sleep and headache i am amazed how my head can become so painful. and i am also thrilled at how i can be tired so easily. my sore throat too; they come and go without any warnings, especially late at night.

almost 22 weeks more to go. be patient, it's half of the Faith.

i want to do so much. so much that many times i got succumbed by my own thoughts and voices. the ideas keep spilling out and sometimes it's so daunting to think that i am still far from realizing them. i always think about whether i will have the time and strength and whether i will succeed in achieving my dreams. so cliche, yet so true. the same as when i think about how much i love you. i am afraid if i cannot make it and fulfill my promises.

yet you always tell me to keep it slow and steady, and convincing me that i will make it. at times when i feel like standing on my knees and cry you softly brush away my fears and hold me tight in your arms. it makes me realize that i am so lucky that God puts you in my life and be my dearest soulmate, so i should be thankful and strong. i love you so much. i love you always.

and as ust azli said we must have plans for 20 or even 50 years ahead. and while i was scrubbling them down i know that i must prepare my very best and enjoy every pinch of flavour my dreams are offering to me. o Allah, please grant us our wishes, set us as good examples and helpers to mankind and give us contentment now and hereafter.

ameen ya rabbal alameen.

sebab aku tak pernah lupa untuk mahu balik

2009-07-10T08:56:00.004+08:00

kalau bila PPSMI dimansuhkan aku rasa sedih adakah itu bermaksud aku bukannya seorang melayu yang baik?

ah, itu tak penting. let by gone be by gone. yang penting anak-anak aku nanti mesti terdidik supaya mereka tak membayar harga apa-apa kebodohan aku dan kita semua di zaman ini. sebab kita meminjam hari ini dari masa depan mereka, jadi kita tiada hak untuk mencabulinya.

p/s: selamat menyambut hari jumaat.. ;-]

transparensi

2009-06-27T07:59:00.005+08:00

walaupun sebenarnya nampak keanak-anakan untuk mengejar material dan rupa, kerana semua tau itu takkan kekal, tetapi ia sangat popular. iya, mungkin sebab material dan rupa menjadikan seseorang itu popular, maka ia sangat menggiurkan. cuma..hanya dengan material dan rupa akan membawa seseorang ke mana agaknya. mungkin benar kata pujangga, untuk merasa cukup dengan sedikit adalah sukar, tetapi untuk merasa cukup dengan banyak adalah mustahil.

walaupun belum tentu aku ahlinya, tapi aku percayakan syurga. tempat di mana semua jerawat akan hilang, rambut takkan kusut masai maka tak perlu disikat, dan paling penting tak perlu mandi untuk menghilangkan daki.

alangkah gembiranya. dan jika benar michael jackson sudah masuk islam, mungkin dia sedang merasakannya sekarang, walaupun beberapa tahun dahulu, seluruh dunia mencacinya dan orang islam memanggilnya laknatullah sebab melakukan pembedahan plastik.

iya dia juga mahukan kesempurnaan rupa mungkin. kemudian dengan segala kontroversi yang dialaminya sepanjang hidupnya, jika benar dia muslim maka Allah memang maha Pengasih lagi maha Penyayang.

maka Tuhanku, canaikanlah hidup kami sesuka keinginanMu bukan sesuka keinginan kami, asalkan Kau berikan kami penghujung yang baik. kerana aku bukan lah sangat berpengetahuan sepertiMu.

ameen.

p/s: aisyah dpt no 3 batch kt tkc. gler tul makcik tu. bek, ak pn nk wat gak. yosh, berusaha!!!

stadi jepun

2009-06-25T20:10:00.003+08:00

kirai da yo.

zenzen wakaranai. warainagara suru ne. honto ni muzukashikunai ka. dakuhenai (cannot accept) yo. soshite itsumo, itsumo shinjitenatta. uso darou.

atashi mo hoshi. kedo oshienai ne. dakara itsumo, itsumo kou hei janai da to iita. mata waratta bakari yo ne.

bejeweled blitz ga jouzu ni naritai!!

bwekss!

milo coles

2009-06-19T19:13:00.009+08:00

ia sangat menggoda, bahkan sangat menggiurkan untuk aku mudah terinspirasi dan mengikut bekas tapak kaki kamu. berayatan seperti kamu, berbajuan seperti kamu, bermonolog dan berdialog seperti kamu. selepas menyinggah pondok kamu pasti aku menerima buah tangan berupa epilog yang sungguh berjaya membuatkan aku teruja lantas lupa diri dek terbebas sebentar dari dunia aku sendiri.

bagaimana kamu melakukan? adalah soalan yang sangat lazat untuk otakku setiap kali aku singgah ke pondok kamu. sambil mendengar cerita-cerita kamu yang seperti mahu mengunyah otakku pula. betapa complicated dan advanced nya permasalahan kamu, sehinggakan aku tergapai-gapai cuba menyedut udara berbaki dalam kelemasan yang semakin menenggelamkan aku dalam buku cerita kamu yang sangat tebal. entah bila boleh kukhatamkan.

tapi persinggahan itu tak lama, jika tidak pastinya aku sudah disedut sekali dalam lohong hitam kamu. maaf, bukan aku tak peduli. cuma aku kekecilan, takut terkucil sebelum sempat mencari pintu keluar. sehingga diri aku sendiri tak dapat aku selamatkan. cerita kamu hebat, kawan. sangat hebat sehingga mengujakan hampir sesiapa sahaja yang menyinggahi pondok kamu. walhal yang jauh juga pasti terintai-intai. entah kerana cemburu, entah kerana sayang.

aku bawa epilog kamu pulang ke pondokku, kemaskan sedikit-sedikit dan sebagai diriku, kerana menjadi diriku sendiri adalah suatu yang paling membuatkan aku rasa beruntung, berazam untuk menulis ceritaku yang hebat juga. sebab aku juga mahu bahagia. oleh itu aku sentiasa beranggapan bahawa orang yang ingin menjadi aku adalah bodoh kerana mengabaikan diri sendiri yang mungkin saja lebih baik dari diriku yang serba hanya ada ini. dan jika ramai orang membuatkan orang berinspirasi untuk jadi seperti mereka aku ingin membuatkan orang berinspirasi untuk menjadi diri mereka sendiri, daripada cuba memuaskan hati sendiri untuk memuaskan hati orang yang entah bagaimana boleh dipuaskan? lagipun entah siapa lah di antara kita adalah ahli syurga?

maaf, ya Allah.

p/s: aku agak setuju dengan AJ, bahawa kita patutnya menjenamakan semula mat rempit sebagai para babi, tapi aiman kata macam wali songo yang guna konsep wujudkan seorang taiko (eg taiko mat rempit) untuk hentikan (atau positifkan mat rempit tapi entah macam mana?) kegiatan merempit, sebab bukan lah semua mat rempit tu mat jahanam adalah idea yang menarik juga. idea aku pula ialah tubuhkan skuad polis rempit yang tembak semua mat rempit guna polisi once you are convicted we will shoot to kill. syg pun kata sudah alang-alang bersalah dan lari dari taubat pula baik bunuh terus. uwm, idea je, k.

selamat menyambut hari jumaat ;-]

i love u...

2009-06-11T17:07:00.002+08:00

natural glutinous rice lover

2009-06-06T06:35:00.006+08:00

hajimete tabeta no mochi (my first eaten mochi)

entah berapa kali sudah bermain lagu yang sama usai solat subuh di depan komputer. ada lebih kurang 36 minit lagi sebelum pukul 8. petang semalam katanya seperti sudah lama tidak mendengar suaraku, padahal baru pagi semalam aku kejutkan dia. syg ni.

sambil mendengar lagu ini jari-jari aku cuba mengikut rentak piano dan alunan cello mereka. inspirasi dari sarah. kemudian aku sedar penghadap tingkap aku masih tertutup. aku cepat-cepat menariknya ke atas, dan seperti yang aku sangka, awan masih sangat indah sewaktu matahari sedang terbit.

awan tebal dialun angin agaknya, sehingga membentuk seperti bukit-bukit di padang pasir. warna indigo dan merah keemasan, dan sekarang dengan semakin terangnya cahaya matahari ia berubah menjadi kelabu. angin tersangat perlahan, hampir tiada, tapi dinginnya terasa bila aku letakkan telapak tanganku menekap tingkap kaca, cuba meneka suhu. mungkin 7-12 celcius pagi ni. langsung tak terasa dalam bilik luasku yang dipasangkan heater.

semalam kecuakan oral test nihongo berakhir dengan gelak tawa dan senyuman yano sensei dan yokomitzu sensei. sejak 2 petang aku dan kei fok di bangunan menzies tingkat 4, berlatih untuk oral test. aku baru sampai sebenarnya bila dua tiga budak cina mengusung makanan masing-masing dan makan di belakang kitorang. tanpa sebab aku terasa terganggu dan katakan pada KF aku mahu ke campus centre membeli makanan. KF kata kepala dia sudah tepu, dia sudah ada di sana sejak pukul 10 pagi jadi mahu jalan-jalan sekejap, ambil angin.

di asian groceries aku fikir mahu membeli mung bean paste faveret aku macam biasa, tapi aku teringat yang KF pun ada, jadi aku mencari sesuatu yang boleh dikongsi makan. kemudian aku ternampak mochi (asasnya dari tepung pulut dengan inti dan salut macam-macam jenis, dari jepun) yang aku tak pernah rasa, satu paket ada 6 mochi dengan 3 perisa, jadi aku beli itu. auntie tauke kedai tu mengusik aku supaya aku berkongsi makan mochi dengannya. aku yang sedikit lampi gelak-gelak aje bila dia kata makanlah, dia gurau sahaja.

tapi KF tak mau bila aku mengajaknya makan, walaupun aku sangat-sangat kelihatan menikmatinya. entah berapa 'oishii' yang aku sebut bila aku makan. haha. kemudian baru dia beritau taiwan ada mochi paling sedap, dan mochi dari taiwan disimpan dalam peti sejuk, tak macam mochi di jepun. KF memang bertuah, dia sudah merantau ke jepun, eropah, china dan macam-macam negara walaupun hanya berasal dari singapore. dan aku juga rasa bertuah sebab ada kawan untuk berlatih oral test. cakap sorang-sorang dalam bilik sungguh-sungguh tidak membantu. hehe.

aku hanya larat makan 3 dari mochi yang aku beli. selebihnya aku simpan dalam beg. KF cadangkan aku mengajak sensei makan, cukuplah kami makan seorang satu nanti. aku gelak-gelak sambil berlakon mengajak sensei makan dan berlatih dalam bahasa jepun, manalah tau berguna nanti.

syg ucap all the best untuk oral test nanti, dan gementar aku berkurang sedikit. bila aku masuk ke dalam bilik exam waktu itu sudah pun malam. 6pm.

'hai akira san, douzo (aqilah, sila2 masuk)', kata yano sensei.
aku tunduk sedikit dan menjawab 'hai arigatou gozaimasu. sensei, konbanwa..deshou? (iyer, terima kasih. sensei, selamat malam..kan)?'
sensei tergelak sedikit. 'hai, hai (betullah tu)'.

aku ambil tempat duduk di hadapan yokomitzu sensei. beg aku letakkan di kerusi lain.

'kowain yo' (sepatutnya kowain desu yo, maksudnya saya takut- first grammar mistake)

dan oral test berjalan. mungkin sebab banyak berlatih dengan KF (alhamdulillah) aku dapat bersembang dengan sensei dengan agak baik, walaupun ada vocabularies yang aku tak tahu dan sensei tolong translate kan. haha. sepanjang kami sembang yano sensei asyik gelak-gelak bila apa yang aku katakan (mungkin) lawak (atau sebenarnya menarik).

sampai satu soalan bila yokomitzu sensei tanya apa aku buat bila aku ada waktu lapang. antara jawapan aku ialah masak dengan kawan (nadia). kemudian sensei tanya jadi aku suka masak kah? aku jawab tak. tapi sebab ma kata perempuan perlu pandai masak jadi, sebab itu aku belajar. sensei gelak lagi, kemudian yano sensei pesan 'awak kena kahwin dengan orang yang pandai masak lah macam tu, okay?' kemudian pandang aku dan ketawa sedikit. 'eeto..kareshi wa..maa maa desu..daijoubu, atashi wa kitto motto benkyou shinakereba narimasen yo (uwm..bf saya..boleh tahan..takpe2, saya kene belajar lagi banyak-banyak)' dan sengih-sengih.

yokomitzu sensei kata japanese aku bagus, lantas tanyakan pada aku sama ada aku pernah ke jepun. aku kata tak, tapi aku mahu pergi. dia tanya pulak makanan-makanan jepun yang aku pernah rasa, kemudian aku kata sushi, dan 'kyou wa hajimete mochi wo tabemashita (hari ini first time saya makan mochi)' dan aku tambah yang masih ada baki mochi yang aku makan dalam beg. yano sensei seperti tak percaya dan segera bangun dari kerusi sambil berkata 'hontou desu ka? jaa mitai yo ne! (betul ke? haa meh sini sensei nak check!)'. aku pun bangun dan membuka beg aku. alahai, 2 mochi sudah terkeluar dari plastik. hanya 1 aje yang masih elok dalam paket. sensei berikan aku 2 helai tisu untuk aku letakkan mochi-mochi yang terkeluar tu.

dengan malu-malu aku jemput sensei makan mochi yang sudah tinggal satu. 'daijoubu, watashi to yokomitzu sensei wa hanbun zutsu tabemasu yo (tak ape, saya dan yokomitzu sensei makan separuh sorang)' kata yano sensei. kemudian dia beri aku cokelat lindor yang dia dah janjikan dari awal. aku ambil yang berbalut wrapper merah sambil ucapkan terima kasih, tapi sebab aku nervous agaknya, aku tercakap 'arigatou desu (sepatutnya arigatou gozaimasu)' dan sensei gelak lagi sambil jerit nama aku 'akira sannnn!! nani wa arigatou desu ka??!! (aqilah! ape pulak arigatou desu ni?!)' hehe. macam pangkat mak aku pulak.

dan sensei kata walaupun aku salah yang mula-mula tadi (kowain yo) dia kata dia maafkan sebab kata-kata tu kawaikatta (cute). hehe.

p/s: alhamdulillah..

ditapis

2009-06-01T05:51:00.002+08:00

dah dekat 2 hari pakcik amer ngan makcik yam kat mekah. mesti best. pakcik amer cakap kalau dia jumpa abah dia kem salam. aku pesan mintak cakapkan pada abah kami semua rindukan dia dan aqil.

dan sebab dia kata dia tak fotogenik maka aku buli dia suruh dia tangkap gamba banyak2 dengan makcik yam. hehe~

ada 2 assignments kena hantar hari ni dengan 1 japanese listening test. jumaat ada speaking test pulak, dan 2206 sampai 0107 final exam. maka sebagai seorang perfectionist ia hanyalah semulajadi bagi aku untuk rasa risau. mungkin, agak sangat risau.

sem lepas sangat bermurah hati kepada aku. sem ini tidak begitu berlembut nampaknya. terkial-kial merangkak sambil berfikir whether i can make it..membuatkan aku sedar adalah sihat untuk seorang perfectionist kadang-kadang mengambil ringan beberapa perkara penting.

kerana mereka bukan paling penting. melainkan percaya kepada Tuhan, akal n hati yang sihat dan dikasihi orang-orang kesayangan. ya, perkara-perkara percuma yang tak ternilai itu.

lagipun, macam dalam cerita merlin, bila lancelot undur diri dari camelot walaupun diberi peluang kedua. katanya, walaupun dia dah buktikan pada arthur yang dia layak untuk menjadi knight, dia perlu buktikannya pada dirinya sendiri dahulu. sebab itu lebih penting.

memikirkannya membuatkan aku bertambah tenang. sekarang aku hanya perlu lakukan sehabis baik dan tak kisahlah apa pun keputusannya, Tuhanku kuatkanlah aku untuk menerima.

sebab kadang-kadang kita harus melepaskan walaupun sepertinya kita layak mendapatnya. Allah lebih kenal hambaNya si aqilah ni macam mana, dan semua yang berlaku ada hikmah di sebaliknya, kan? jadi aku perlu sabar dengan kekurangan ni.

dan keep it slow and steady, banyak kali aku ingatkan diri aku itu. ada rezeki tak ke mana. ada jodoh pun tak ke mana. ehem.

lagipun aku tak mau jadi go-getter yang tak pernah gagal, ataupun ahli syurga yang tak pernah berdosa.

ameen. ganbatteimasu ;-]

p/s: ahnaf, selamat hari lahir 02062009. blaja leklok utk upsr! :)

twilight

2009-05-30T08:20:00.003+08:00

ma kata tak elok cakap kita benci sesuatu, tapi aku memang maksudkannya. aku tak sukakan winter. aku kene pakai jaket, dan jaket aku yang panas ada hood, jadi bila aku bawak tidur belakang aku tak selesa sebab bersandarkan hood jaket. bila bangun pagi, badan aku panas semacam, dan kepala aku pening. mata aku lebam sebab susah tidur merisaukan tentang sejuk.

dan semalam waktu kelas jepun aku terkejut tengok kuku aku yang membiru. shoot. ape ni? aku tanya kawan aku 'is it cold in here?' sebab aku tak rasa sejuk walaupun tangan aku dah pucat. tapi dia semacam keliru dengan soalan aku, lepas tu sensei suruh bukak buku teks untuk latihan, jadi aku terus lupa tentang sejuk. aku memang patut lupa tentang sejuk. sebab sejuk aku membayangkan macam-macam, dan ia seperti ada positive feedback; sejuk membuatkan aku fikir macam-macam dan bila fikir macam-macam aku rasa lagi sejuk.

kadang-kadang aku fikir macam mana burung boleh terbang dengan cerianya dalam waktu sejuk pagi yang dingin diam. dan macam mana cahaya matahari masih boleh membuatkan daun-daun pokok nampak berkilau, walaupun dihalang kepul awan yang garang dan berat.

ada beberapa perkara yang aku tak mampu, tak kira sebanyak mana aku mahukannya. dan kadang-kadang aku fikir, adakah itu petanda aku akan ditinggalkan jugak akhirnya. macam, aku mahukan abah di waktu itu, tapi aku tak mampu bawak dia pulang ke rumah dengan selamat, dan dia akhirnya pergi. sekarang aku selalu jumpa abah hanya dalam mimpi.

nampaknya aku dah fikir bukan-bukan ni. apa-apa pun. sebagaimana degilnya aku dengan perangai ni, degil lagi syg meyakinkan semuanya akan okay dan aku tak buat apa-apa salah pun.

sikit pun tak. dan seperti mana selalunya dia sabar, seperti itulah dia tak pernah tunjuk mahu mengalah. lebih dari apa yang dapat aku bayangkan.

buat masa ni pastinya aku akan berusaha untuk nampak okay. sebab aku mahukannya, tak kira betapa gempa menggegarkan hati aku. tapi aku selalu genggam tangan sambil mengetap gigi aku menahan sejuk, bila aku memikirkan dia mesti akan dapat membacanya.

seperti menggenggam aku kuat dan membantu aku berjalan, walau perlahan, betapa aku lemah sekalipun, tanpa mahu melepaskan. kemudian perlahan-lahan aku rasa aku semakin dapat bernafas seperti biasa.

shoot. betul ke memang Tuhan dah rancangkan semua ni dari awal?

page 129

2009-05-29T00:56:00.001+08:00

i actually eventually bought twilight novel today. lepas beli pegi lab nak sambung buat assignment, tapi excited dengan buku baru makanya took time kejap bace (cadangnya) beberapa muka surat. sambil tu tak sedar orang sekeliling buat ape.

until tengok muka surat- 22. shoot. muke surat 22 dah..? giler lah. thrill belum start; bella baru nampak edward pertama kali. lepas ni entah ape jadi, part mane lah yang edward tahan kereta dari langgar bella tu..uwm..

assignment. assignment. tutup novel kemudian sambung. cepat lah habis, cepat lah hantar, cepatlah selesai keje ni. isnin depan japanese listening test, jumaat speaking test pulak. pukul 550pm, time tu konfem dah gelap. orang last untuk speaking test. dakedo yoku dekitai kara, ganbaranakute wa ikenai yo. iro iro na koto wo hanasu no ga dekiru ni naru to, yokatta ne. (tapi nak skor, so kene stadi. dah banyak yg blaja n makin pandai, syukur sangat)

tadi saigo no yokomizu sensei to seminaa datta, kitto koishii da ne. sensei, doumo arigatou gozaimasu! (last seminar ngan yokomizu sensei, pasni mesti akan rindukan dia. sensei, thanks a lot!) despite of kelas yang bising, tadi best sebab aku bg byk contoh and sensei puji2 and pembantu sensei pn puji2 and kawan aku puji2 and..mmg best :D kawan aku kate 'oo looks like ur brain is really working right now'. aku sengih aje.

hari ni sejuk lampau. balik-balik buat milo dulu. minum panas-panas, lepas ni rasenye nak buat lagi secawan. malam ni buat roti telur, syg kte aku dah makan megi banyak sgt, padahal dah nak exam. lepas tu kantoi itu ini, takut tapi rasenya aku patut bersyukur. sebab kalau mengharapkan aku sendiri mengaku..entah lah. kadang-kadang aku bukanlah sangat kuat.

p/s: selamat menyambut hari jumaat ;-]

pembetulan

2009-05-26T22:41:00.001+08:00

apabila sedar sesuatu di kalangan orang-orang sekeliling itu tidak betul, contohnya membuang sampah merata-rata atau mem-forwardkan mesej salah atau sembunyi-sembunyi mengata anak jiran, paling awal perlu tergerak ialah hati, untuk mengaku bahawa laku itu memang salah dan tak patutnya diteruskan. sebab kalau tidak, tak ada apa-apa pun telah berlaku dan hidup ini ialah utopia, dan itu adalah salah.

sebab kita semua tahu utopia atau kesempurnaan simplistik itu tidak wujud. jadi jika sesuatu nilai dalam masyarakat itu tidak betul, kita harus mengakuinya. jika tidak Tuhan tak reda dengan kita, walaupun kita solat dan puasa sebaik malaikat.

yang mengikuti kemudian ialah menjernihkannya sedikit-sedikit. yang ini amat bergantung pada banyak faktor, antaranya kemampuan diri, pengetahuan dan kesesuaian keadaan.

tapi akarnya, mula dengan yang sedikit. jika sudah sedar membuang sampah merata-rata itu salah, paling mudah ialah diri sendiri mengelakkan laku itu dan jika nampak sampah merata-rata, kutip dan buangkanlah ke dalam tong sampah tersedia jika keadaan mengizinkan (contohnya ada tong sampah berdekatan dan sampah bukanlah terlalu banyak sehingga menyusahkan diri sendiri mengutipnya).

jika kita orang yang lebih berkuasa, contohnya ibu bapa, maka secara automatik tanggungjawab menjadi lebih besar, termasuk mendidik anak-anak supaya tak membuang sampah merata-rata. kata kuncinya di sini, bila kita menjadi lebih mampu, kita harus mencuba dan melakukan lebih banyak dalam usaha pembaikian.

dan sudah pasti, krisis masyarakat bukan hanya sekadar membuang sampah merata-rata. di australia dan kebanyakan negara-negara maju, masalah ini sudah sangat lapuk. terbaik ialah peruntukkan waktu wajar untuk setiap masalah; yang kecil dilayan sebagai kecil dan yang besar dilayan sebagai lebih penting. contohnya, dalam politik perhatian terbesar harus diunjurkan pada kebajikan rakyat; itu paling utama. tambahan lagi sebagai muslim; pendidikan ke arah pemikiran dan adab hidup yang sihat paling penting sebab kita hidup untuk kedua-dua akhirat dan dunia.

digariskan sebagai kesimpulan: ilmu bantu kenal pasti baik buruk; mula dari yang sedikit dan sederhana; kemudian terus maju kepada masalah lebih berat dan penting, berkadar dengan kemampuan.

acidicated stomach

2009-05-23T14:07:00.005+08:00

pagi semalam mimpi abah lagi. jumpa dalam bangunan shopping complex mewah dan tak ramai orang. ada tempat makan meja panjang yang sangat besar macam istana. entah lah, memang kat istana kot. lampu yang sederhana terang, warna kuning kemerah-merahan. perabot sana-sini dari kayu yang cantik, besar dan selesa. suasana yang sangat menyenangkan.

abah senyum. kemudian piggyback aku di belakang dia. terus dia lari laju-laju sampai aku tergelak-gelak. beberapa lama kemudian abah berhenti. tercungap-cungap. eh, abah penat.

'ye lah anak dye dah besar n makin berat, x macam dulu dah.' pastu syg gelak. haha~

tapi abah hepi, tu yang penting. dan walaupun aku terlajak tidur (sikit. sikit je) pagi tu, teringat balik mimpikan abah wat aku hepi jugak.

awan jeans sedari chadstone

2009-05-12T16:38:00.002+08:00

counting down looking up hipping back walking ahead.

lebih 3 jam terputus-putus

2009-05-11T19:04:00.000+08:00

hidup ini bukanlah sangat teruk, kalau kamu tengok orang di bawah kamu. usah fikir kamu jahat; anak-anak ma tak jahat. cuma kita manusia biasa buat kesilapan dan dosa. semua usaha cuba jadi sesempurna yang boleh. orang taubat kan syurganya lebih tinggi dari orang yang tak pernah buat salah? apa-apa ingat Allah. usah sangka buruk pada diri sendiri, usah sangka buruk dengan Allah. semua ni dugaan, maksudnya Allah tak lupa pada kita dan sayang kita. Dia mau lihat sejauh mana kita ikhlas buat baik untukNya.

~rukiah mahmood, 08052009

dua ekor itik di tasik

2009-05-07T19:51:00.000+08:00

macam abraham lincoln kate, 'and in the end it's not the years in your life that count. it's the life in your years'.

macam aku pulak cakap, 'and in the end it's not the rice in your flavours that count. it's the flavours in your rice.'

my first ever inari! with slices of persimmon (^^)v

pck amer & syg

2009-05-05T00:16:00.000+08:00

i might get screwed up again this time. sometimes there are things in life which are just very persevere in holding me from understanding them. as time goes by i find it harder and harder to predict things or to expect anything from myself. i dont regret it though; i just feel like im swollen up by it, munched and chewed little by little. honestly it's not a pleasant feeling; i always wonder how much longer will i be able to go through this; continuously feeling short in breath and limited in abilities.

the only cure i found was these three things- to believe, to work hard, and to pray.

living far away from home; i couldnt help but feeling so demotivated. however my loved ones remains a magic for me; they always find me no matter how far i go. keeping in touch with their hearts and all the optimism they unravel before me help me to believe that things are going to be okay, just because i am never alone. i remember once when someone said to me that "if God set something for us to obey, we should obey even though the rule may not be good for us or even if we dont know why He set up the rules; that's what make us believers". i went through the sentence a couple of times and was somehow quite disheartened by it. and then i realize that that is not true, no matter what God determines for me, it would be good. and to always keep thinking like that- that what makes me a believer.

however, life is always a struggle, every little here and then. that's why i should work hard. even if i might not succeed, i should still be thankful and never give up. i might not be able to do anything so big and important; but at least i'll try and keep trying-

along with prayers. God is good, and He is full of mercy. i dont ask so that i'll get well paid for my effort; rather i pray so that He will be kind towards me, because without His kindness and permission, i cant even pray.

ya Allah, im sorry for not being good. i know i always am not good, and i dont know whether i'll be good or not. forgive us and please..please have mercy on us.

ameen...

selamat hari ibu..

2009-05-02T08:03:00.001+08:00

apsal u buat macam tu..tu ibu u jaga u dari kecik..u berak u muntah dia lap, betul tak i cakap? i tau hidup u tak senang mana, i pun pernah rasa susah, tapi macam ni lah..dalam hidup kita boleh pilih..hati mau senang atau susah..i positif u dah sangat beruntung, ada suami anak dengan u..ada tempat untuk u manja-manja dan buat khidmat baik..ibu u dah semakin tua, u faham kan kalau i kata u kena sabar dengan dia sekejap je lagi, sekejap je lagi nanti dia dah tak ada u jugak rindu..u mau ke nangis-nangis panggil dia dekat kubur dia nanti?

u kenapa ni..tensyen sangat ke? ibu u sanggup tak tidur malam sebab u, sekali dia tegur u dah melenting-lenting sampai ungkit benda yang berpuluh tahun lepas..i sendiri sebak sampai i terus mesej ibu i mintak maaf semua salah silap i..sebak bila difikirkan kalau ibu i rasa macam tu dengan i..ibu ni dia satu, sakit hati dia dia simpan..depan u dia cuba jugak senyum n teman u makan walaupun hati dia remuk sudah..i tak tau macam mana nak tolong u n ibu u..u cite lah kat i, i cuba faham u okay..tapi u jangan buat ibu u macam ni, i sayang u n ibu u, i tak mau sapa-sapa orang yang i sayang buat macam ni pada ibu diorang..

cepat-cepat lah setel dengan ibu u okay..buat mama qilah mintak maaf salah silap qilah..i love u so so much..ampun ma..

yuukimaru no kaeri basho

2009-04-26T18:11:00.003+08:00

"samui.

maghrib no jikan wa kita. soro soro ikanakereba naranai ne.

tooku kara, kuruma no hi wo mierunda. akarui kara, totemo kirei da to omou. yoru wa kite yukkuri karui ni naru. dakedo, mada ooi kumo ga mierunda. kin no iro to nezu no wa hayai yo. kaze mo tsuyokute chotto dogitsui..sou da. ame ga furu ne.

kaeri basho. itsumo atashi no daijina hito ni honto ni aitai. mainichi totemo ga koishikute yumemiru yo. atashi no daijina hito wa kaeri basho da. kitto soba ni irareba ii ne. demo ima tooi da yo ne.

daijoubu. mou sukoshi aruku. mou sukoshi ganbaru ne. egao ga kanashimi no i da to itta. dakara, waratte minaosou ne.

aa. atatakaku ni naru. dakishimete kurete arigatou."

sejuk.

waktu maghrib dah masuk. kejap lagi kene gerak dah.

dari jauh, lampu kereta boleh nampak. terang, cantik sangat. dah malam, dan perlahan-lahan jadi gelap. tapi masih boleh nampak banyak awan. warna emas dan kelabu bergerak pantas. angin pun kuat dan sedikit kasar..oh, ya. dah nak hujan, kan.

tempat pulang. selalu aku mahu jumpa dia sangat. setiap hari aku rindu dan mimpikannya. dia adalah tempat aku pulang. dekat dengannya mesti bagus. tapi sekarang jauh, kan.

takpe. sikit lagi berjalan. sikit lagi berusaha, kan. katanya, senyum itu penawar kedukaan. jadi, senyum dan cuba semula, k.

aa. dah mula hangat. terima kasih memelukku.

syg

2009-04-21T22:31:00.002+08:00

tika ragu lalu, cerobohi hati lembik.
menerkam, merobek,
meratah percaya,
sampai ke sisa tulangnya.
darah membuak-buak,
dalam diam.

kau senyum seperti biasa,
sepertinya kita takkan mati.
mattaku, pencintaku ini.
seperti telah haram putus asa,
kewujudannya di dunia.

ari lasso feat. bunga citra lestari- aku dan dirimu

tiba saatnya kita saling bicara
tentang perasaan yang kian menyiksa
tentang rindu yang menggebu
tentang cinta yang tak terungkap

sudah terlalu lama kita berdiam
tenggelam dalam gelisah yang tak teredah
memenuhi mimpi-mimpi malam kita

reff:
duhai cintaku, sayangku, lepaskanlah
perasaanmu, rindumu, seluruh cintamu
dan kini hanya ada aku dan dirimu
sesaat di keabadian

jika sang waktu bisa kita hentikan
dan segala mimpi-mimpi jadi kenyataan
meleburkan semua batas
antara kau dan aku, kita

repeat reff

halalkanlah kami, Tuhan. ameen.

panadol

2009-04-05T14:00:00.004+08:00

"love initiates a relationship, trust and respect keeps it going, and responsibility makes it stay"

masa itu sekali lagi. susahnya meyakinkan diri sendiri sudah berhabis baik.

bulan yang hampir penuh, sebentar-sebentar disinggahi awan lalu. planetarium menyapa ikut gilirannya; kali ini bertembung dengan gerakan awan yang menutupi bulan.

bulan hampir hilang. malap.

diri yang ketika itu, menyeka titisan dengan jari telunjuk berselang-seli kanan dan kiri, sampai menyeluruh tangan. basah.

penat yang sepertinya langsung tak bermakna. kemahuan dalam kelemasan. keinginan yang cacat. impian malu yang pelupa.

maafkanku..maafkanku.

sekejap kemudian bulan kembali terang. sementara menunggu waktu itu, tahankah aku? tahankah dia denganku?

Tuhan, jagailah dia untukku. dan apa-apa yang Kau tentukan, tabahkanlah aku untuk berterima kasih.

ameen.

p/s: awin, selamat hari lahir 040409 ;-)

peanut cookies mesia

2009-04-03T12:06:00.001+08:00

aah, aku bangun awal pagi ni. sebab nak stadi nihongo. cuak gile, dekat 20 kanji nak kene tau stroke alignments, maksud and penggunaan. stadi compacted dalam masa 2 hari; sebelum ni aku stadi jugak tapi ada yang dah ingat-ingat lupa. malam tadi makan makaroni bercheese, muak terus. plus dengan stadi yang berlambak-lambak-lambak.

ma kata jangan jadi hardworking sangat.
syg suruh g kuar and enjoy.
lecturer suruh aku take it easy and smile.

mungkin saja akulah yang melambak-lambak-lambakkan mereka. entah lah.

jadi pagi ni lepas subuh aku tak tido. kemas-kemas dan sambung stadi. tulis kanji-kanji atas kertas A4 kemudian tampal kat dinding. bilik aku dah pun boleh dicalonjadikan lokasi pameran kanji budak sophomore. macam tu lah aku fikir, walaupun aku berbangga dengannya.

sebelum tu aku lihat fajar menyinsing. beberapa minit yang super dramatik, sampai aku tergelak sebab awan sangat cantik. awan dengan lining merah keemasan, kemudian nampak bilah cahaya menyuluh dari belakang awan. makin lama makin besar bilah cahaya tu, menceriakan awan mendung.

sesudah puas baru aku sambung stadi. baru ingat nak berbangga sebab aku berjaya tak tido lepas subuh tapi, dalam 830 pg mata aku tiba-tiba malap. sedar-sedar aku dah terbaring tidur atas sofa. (eee..)

kemudian aku ke kelas dengan mood separuh. biasalah kalau aku fikir aku tak cukup stadi, akan rasa macam tu. sambil fikir-fikir macam mana nak dapat 25/25 bila macam ni punya cerita.

magiknya, aku boleh buat test dengan baik. maybe aku salah satu dua macam tu. dan test minggu lepas aku dapat 25. yeayy! tapi kawan cina aku dari singapore tegur aku, 'what's wrong? you look so stressed.' sekali lagi aku kesal sebab aku tak pandai menipu. jadi time class tadi aku cuba senyum dan hilangkan keternampakan stress aku. haha. sampai sensei tanya soalan pun aku blank, sebab time tu aku tengah selongkar beg cari tic-tac.

tiba-tiba sensei letak contoh ayat kat skrin OHP guna nama aku. 'akira-san no namae wo tsukau..(as an example).' eh? aku terkesima sekejap. ayatnya 'akira-san wa vegetarian na no de, yasai dake wo tabemasu (aqilah seorang vegetarian, maka dia hanya makan sayur).' satu kelas repeated ayat tu. kemudian sensei pandang aku, so aku cakap 'aa, chigaimasu (tak betul, saya bukan vegetarian).' sensei jawab 'hai hai, wakarimasu (ye ye, saya faham, tu contoh je).' aku angguk dan ketawa sedikit.

kemudian bila kami disuruh bercakap tentang baju yang sedang kami pakai dan dari mana kami beli, kawan aku cakap baju kurung pink aku sedang pakai yang maksu buatkan ni, sangat lawa. maksu, kikemasu ka? atashi no tomodachi wa maksu ga baju kurung tsukatta no wa totemo kirei da to iimashita (maksu, dengar? kawan qilah cakap baju kurung yang maksu buat ni lawa) :D

dan kelas tadi boleh dilabel sangat oke. sebab aku tak pergi lecture tapi masih boleh tangkap apa sensei cakap dalam kelas. syukur syukur. balik dari kelas, guruh berdentum kat luar, hujan mulai lebat tapi hati aku berbunga. shuumatsu wa kimasu (weekends have arrived). (;

tak mau basah dalam hujan jadi aku lepak dalam student lab kejap. hadap komputer check email fs fb dan blog. bila hujan dah reda aku terinjak untuk pulang. nampak bebola-bebola air hujan kecil pada daun-daun dan ranting-ranting pokok besar tinggi yang berdaun tajam rapat halus, macam kristal-kristal sfera yang tersangkut. sangat lawa, bila aku pandang atas tak kelihatan sebab warna awan menutupi mereka yang lutsinar. dan sepanjang jalan pulang gerimis menari dalam angin sederhana kuat, terbang ke sana sini macam titik-titik salji berserakan. ah, aku mesti menulis tentang ini, kufikir.

terperasan belon-belon oren putih di padang; nampaknya students second year atmospheric science tengah buat eksperimen. ahh, atmospheric science kesayangan aku. 'ganbatteimasu ne, mina san!' aku separuh jerit sambil mata aku hampir tak lepas memandang mereka.

hujan makin reda. senyap sehingga kereta lalu lalang tak kedengaran deruman bunyi enjin masing-masing. atau mungkin saja aku yang sengaja memekakkan telinga. sambil mencapai earphone dan menekan butang ipod, melangsungkan permysuri dari OAG. teringat personality quiz yang aku buat tadi, katanya 'you are elegant and demur. you have a classic style all your own that others often imitate, but never duplicate. you are genuine and one of a kind.' aku senyum.

sekejap lagi aku mau exercise.

p/s: selamat menyambut hari jumaat ;-)

chicken schnitzel & chips

2009-04-01T15:25:00.001+08:00

bwekk. bwekk.

aku tak pernah suka fosil. kadang-kadang terasa bodoh sangat sebab aku blaja geosains. sebab nanti kene cari minyak. sebab bila cari minyak kena tau palaeontology. sebab nak tau palaeontology kene tau fosil.

fosil. bwekk.

dan untuk praktikal hari ni and next week, aku kena lukis dekat 100 fosil. dan kenalpasti diorang. tau nama diorang. tau jenis diorang. tau family diorang. kene tengok bawah mikroskop sambil lukis. dekat 100. ada yang macam sikat, macam siput, macam bola berduri, macam mahkota permaisuri, warna cokelat, putih, hitam. saiz macam-macam, tapi semuanya kurang 3 mm.

bwekkkk.

stillwell rapat pada aku.

'how r u going with all these?' sambil senyum.

agaknya muka aku tak reti menipu. aku tarik nafas kemudian lepas. pandang dia sambil fikir-fikir agaknya aku nak kelentong apa.

'yeah..i think im okay..erm..there are lots of them..i cant really differentiate them all..i mean..there are terms that i dont understand..uh..' sambil belek-belek hand out.

'well, you dont have to think too hard and stress over it. there are only three major groups, and you cant go wrong with them. just take a look at them, and try to taliate them in groups. draw a representative numbers for each group..u dont have to draw all 50..'

'owh, okay..yeah i think i'll try to make it better then..'

'it will be better. once u get along with it, and for the next practical- it will be better.' sambil pandang aku dengan yakin. sikit lagi aku nak nangis dah.

'yeah, okay..' aku senyum tawar.

'there are lots of them, yes. but you dont have to know each of them in detail. we are all new here, so take it easy. this practical should be fun. so..smile!' sambil tangan dia buat isyarat smiley kat muka.

aku tergelak sikit. macam tau-tau je lecturer aku ni. tapi masa makin suntuk; tak banyak yang aku dapat siapkan. lepas tu aku balik.

jalan-jalan sambil dengar lagu lepas ambik makanan. tiba-tiba seorang mamat negro dengan beg laptopnya potong aku ke depan. laju jugak dia jalan.

kemudian aku perasan. tangan kiri dia kudung.

dia keluarkan roti dari beg, guna tangan kanan. kemudian dia gigit dengan mulut. sambil jalan laju dia cuba bukak balutan roti tu, nampaknya dia dah lapar. sedang mau menjamu selera.

dengan tangan kudung belajar di universiti.

macam mana dia ke uni? eh..dia tak boleh drive. orang takde tangan kiri tak boleh drive.

assignment? taip dan tulis assignment guna tangan kanan aje. mungkin pasti berganda masa dari orang yang ada dua-dua belah tangan.

main badminton? tenis? buat pumping? mandi? basuh baju? angkat kotak berat?

aku dah tak terasa nak muntah dah. terima kasih ya Allah.

tersengih memakai spek mata itam

2009-03-28T10:01:00.001+08:00

kali ni versi combo.

abah dengan aqil sekali. peluk aqil dan bagi abah oren 2 biji. muka mereka yang selamba buat aku tambah mendambakan mereka.

mimpi sudah bersetuju berkawan dengan rindu.

p/s: terima kasih kepada Tuhan. terima kasih kepada sayang. terima kasih kepada flirt. terima kasih kepada aldi. terima kasih kepada brandon park. terima kasih kepada mrs free saturday shuttle service.

chewing gum

2009-03-25T18:15:00.001+08:00

two of my omputih frens yang perempuan duduk sebelah. depan mikroskop masing-masing, dengan thin sections limestone masing-masing. sebelah aku yang sama-sama bercita-cita nak jadi meteorologist, mimpinya nak sambung honours bawah nigel tapper dalam urban climatology dengan aku. sejak first year aku satu kelas dengan dia.

'you know, you are so smart. you are the smartest person in here.'

aku tergelak. 'nope..' sambil tengok keramaian orang di belakang, 'there are other people who are smarter than me.'

'no, i think you are the smartest. doesnt matter what other people think. you are the smartest person for me.' sungguh-sungguh.

aku diam aje. kemudian aku toleh pada dia, 'and why for a sudden did you say that?'

'well, it's true. you always get good grades and we all know you work hard. you are my inspiration.'

aku gelak aje. larissa yang duduk sebelah dia baru perasan aku. dia cakap 'hi.'

kemudian dia pandang aku semula. 'aqilah, you look so pretty today.'

aku tersedak sikit. ape halnye kawan-kawan aku ni? kemudian aku tergelak, sambil buat muka pelik.

'no, really. i dont know..maybe because you are wearing lip gloss or something? and you look really sweet in yellow.' cuba nak melogikkan apa yang dia dah cakap.

owh, aku pakai lip balm dengan tudung kuning. kawan aku lagi sorang tu cakap 'yeah, yellow suits you.'

aku gelak aje. geleng-geleng kepala lepas tu tengok limestone semula.

seorang omputih lelaki, time nak ambil thin sections kat depan ketuk tepi meja aku, pastu blah tak toleh pn. wat dunno je muka dia. dua kali dia wat camtu. masa aku nak ambil mikroskop yang terkunci dalam almari dia sakat-sakat aku, kononnya kunci aku salah loker mikroskop, so tak boleh bukak. bila dah boleh bukak dia offer untuk bawakkan mikroskop yang entah berapa kilo tu ke meja aku.

'do you want me to carry that for you?'

'nope, im used to it. hehe'

'doing some workout yeah?'

'haha. yeah.'

tup tap tap. aku jalan sampai ke meja. kemudian sambung kerja.

macam biasa.

i dont know

2009-03-21T15:33:00.001+08:00

pencil box

2009-03-15T19:28:00.001+08:00

melihatkan percaturan ini, dengan kepala sedikit pening dan mata yang hampir malap aku memikirkan. sememangnya ia kecil.

dunia yang aku duduki ini dijaga Tangan yang tak pernah menzaliminya sebelum masa yang aku sendiri tak tahu tarikhnya. yang aku pasti, sudah terlalu lama.

kudoakan Tangan itu juga tak membenarkan aku menzalimi diri aku sendiri. inginku, tiada lagi mimpi ngeri.

kuserahkan semuanya padaMu.

ameen.

how can a slumdog becomes a millionaire?

2009-03-14T17:03:00.001+08:00

because

D. it is written

student lab

2009-03-10T10:17:00.000+08:00

bila aku ke blog aj, aku selalu memikirkan; agak-agaknya dalam rata-rata penulis blog yang disenaraikannya, aku di mana..? owh iya, aku tiada di situ pun.

entah malang, atau entah hakikatnya memang begitu, penulisan aku tidak serupa dengan mereka. kerana aku tidak suka menulis tentang pergolakan yang sepertinya takkan selesai; masalah kita semua bukanlah sesuatu yang mampu aku ungkap hanya dengan perkataan-perkataan aku sendiri. tetapi keberanian mereka mencuba, menulis tentang rasa mereka tentang masalah kita, dan membina gabungan sefahaman antara mereka adalah sesuatu yang..sesuatu yang aku sangat hormat. bagi aku mereka orang-orang yang sangat hebat.

mereka membuatkan aku sedar dengan tanggungjawab. betapa umur aku mengasak-asakkannya. pengetahuan yang merayu tindakan, meminta disebarkan.

tapi seperti aku katakan, aku bukan jenis manusia begitu; maka aku optimis dengan menyatakan bahawa mungkin sahaja kita semua ada cara masing-masing untuk ambil bahagian dalam membawa kebaikan ke dunia ini. aku juga penulis, walaupun kebanyakan tulisan aku kebanyakannya hanya berkisar dalam dunia aku sendiri. yang aku pasti, tulisan aku bukannya cabuk.

kepada penulis-penulis seperti mereka, yang berani memperjuangkan apa yang mereka percaya, dengan ayat-ayat jujur dan keterbukaan yang sangat baik- tabik sama lu!

p/s: aku tau entri ini berbau mashamm kebudak-budakan untuk kalian, dan tujuan kalian menulis bukan supaya aku memuji kalian. tapi biarlah untuk kali ini, izinkan aku mengutarakannya, yang aku bersyukur kalian ada dalam hidupku berkongsi perspektif kalian, walaupun aku mungkin takkan mampu menulis sepertimana kalian.

romance- aku ingin kamu

2009-03-05T14:47:00.007+08:00

its been a while since i last post anything. sincerely, if everything is writable i would have done so, fluttering everything i feel through my fingertips. but my maturity tells me that that time has passed.

yet, its good to reminisce them. and somehow it reminds me back of all the wonderful moments when i was still a child, that i imagined more than i could feel, keep wondering and aiming seriously, and achieving my targets way better than i could have dreamt. all were joyous and painless.

and so, years passed and reality is proven to be better than dreams, no matter how much i get hurt by it. and love is always a good thing, through which my happiness and sadness are blended and precipitated within my tears. the fact that i can breathe today and being who i am with love, is a total blessing.

so eventhough things come and go, i want to make the best out of them. barred by my weaknesses and situations, i honestly feel stranded and hopeless sometimes, but these are the moments when i draw a turning point and say, 'let's make this alright.' and the outcomes that He decides on them are always beyond my limited hope; they are always better. thus i know that He can be trusted, and my fear slowly fades away.

o Allah, i know You know. that's already very precious to me. thanks ;-)

hana yori dango- planetarium; repeated: current song

2009-02-23T17:33:00.000+08:00

Sayang mengejutkan aku pagi tadi; seperti yang dia setia selalu. Sambil kemudiannya aku menyediakan sarapan untuk ahnaf dan rais ke sekolah, kedengaran ayam berkokok bersahutan. Seperti mendayu-dayu pula bunyinya.

Tuhan kata, mama kata, sayang kata, ustaz kata, semua yang berlaku ada hikmah di sebaliknya. Semalam adalah hari yang sangat indah ketika kali akhir aku jumpa afiq dan aisyah sebelum aku ke australia semula, walaupun dua hari sebelumnya hampir-hampir sayang sendiri yang mendengar aku menangis, walaupun aku selalu fikir bahawa ia hampir mustahil untuk aku menangis bila dengannya.

Mama kata, benda dah nak jadi. Mama peluk aku dan usap air mata aku yang berjurai, kesat sampai kering. Aku cuma kesal yang aku tak habis-habis menyusahkan mama. Mama kata sebab itu dia ada di sisi aku. Dia kata aku mesti kuat, seperti mana aku kuat sejak aku 11 tahun lagi. Aku tak boleh nampak lemah depan adik-adik. Jadi aku mesti berhenti menangis.

Aku angkat muka. Mama kata syukur dia ada di samping aku semasa semuanya jadi. Aku sendiri rasa teramat bersyukur dengan adanya mama, sepanjang hari dengan nabila, semasa menunggu tren sampai di stesyen ktm midvalley, semasa berasak-asak memasuki tren, semasa aku tersedar yang poket depan beg galas aku separuh terbuka, semasa aku dapati wallet dan hp aku hilang, semasa aku berteriak dari gerabak ke gerabak meminta barang-barangku dipulangkan, semasa tren kami tiba-tiba mati, semasa kami semua terpaksa turun ke railway dan naik tren lain, semasa aku akhirnya menangis bila mama ulang sambil pandang aku yang sedang menunduk, ‘mama nak kamu jangan fikir sangat pasal benda ni, k’, semasa aku buat laporan polis, semasa kami ke cc untuk block kad-kad atm aku, sepanjang perjalanan pulang.

Semuanya macam mimpi.

Tuhan, jauhkanlah unjuran kejahatan dari kecurian itu, dan lindungilah kami dari semua yang tak kami ingini. Ameen, ameen, ameen..

Terima kasih Tuhan, atas semua manusia gila hebat yang Kau dampingkan denganku..

kancil

2009-02-16T14:41:00.003+08:00

sapa kata blaja driving senang? ptuih. (kate si qilah yang zero)

qilah, tak elok ludah-ludah ni, kate mak som.

dapat cikgu garang, mak som! aiseyman, nasib qilah ni cool je. hakhak. sayang giler cikgu tu kat qilah yang comey ni. sampai suruh qilah tambah kelas jugak, (a.k.a punyelah bodoh punye budak) die yang mintakkan pada kerani. qilah mesti lulus, katenye. nak balek obersi, mesti lulus mak som. qilah terima kasih sangat pada dia, apa dia ajar qilah nak bawak sampai mati. ameen.

bile tambah kelas, dapat pulak cikgu muda yang cool. relaks je suruh qilah speeding. malam pulak tu. lalu traffic rawang yang jam pulak tu. berbooster confidence qilah dengan kepercayaan die. pagi esoknya jumpa kat litar dia bagi smile and hi. akak garang pun dah tak garang ngan qilah, dia kata after tambah kelas qilah bawak dah makin oke.

ala, kate mak som, mule-mule time kamu zero dan bahlul memang la dia marah-marah. supaya apa dia ajar kamu ingat bawak kubur. papehal kat akhirat hutang dia selesai dengan kamu. lepas dia ajar, bila cikgu muda tu pegang kamu, dia kan cakap kamu oke.

yalah, mak som.

kamu..nyesal dapat cikgu garang tu?

tak lah. dua-duanya baik. qilah tak tau banyak mak som, tapi..qilah tau betullah Allah tu sayaaaanggg sangat pada qilah ni.

ha, tau pun!

hehe. mak som, mak som..

p/s: alhamdulillah aqilah lulus driving testnye..yeayyy!!! (18022009)

track list- now

2009-02-06T17:45:00.000+08:00

Rasa yang lama memburu itu akhirnya menemukan aku. Sekali lagi.

Sialnya.

Aku mendengar lagu-lagu yang sama berulang-ulang kali. Sambil baring terlentang aku menatap siling putih. Lengan sebelah kiri aku tindihkan di atas dahi. Helaian-helaian nota berselerak dengan huruf-huruf bermacam-macam saiz menari-nari dalam kepalaku. Buat seketika aku terasa seperti ingin muntah.

Badan aku alihkan mengiring ke kiri. Sekarang kedua-dua tanganku bersilang, kiri di atas kanan. Sambil melihat jam tangan Casio hitamku, aku mengira-ngira baki waktu yang masih ada dan kerja-kerja yang belum selesai. Sebutir air mata jatuh ke pipi, kubiarkan kering sendiri. Lagu-lagu berputar, hati terasa semakin tawar.

Mengapa aku di situ, di tempat yang bukan kesukaanku? Oh iya, kerana akulah yang memilihnya. Dan ketika aku berjaya rehat dari tempat itu, rasa itu masih berjaya menemukan aku. Sialnya. Sialnya.

Detik-detik yang kuhabiskan di hadapan komputer, melampiaskan apa yang aku rasa. Sepi dan sunyi kerana aku jauh darimu. Dengan bertambahnya megabit megabit dan macam-macam helaian yang terbang untuk mencarimu- aku rindukanmu, itu sahaja yang aku tahu.

Dan dengan hanya mendapat sedikit senyummu, tawamu, suaramu, ayat-ayat darimu bisa melupakan aku dari rasa ini. Dan sepertinya aku mampu terus hidup dan bernafas segar seribu tahun lagi.

Kerna kamu menyayangiku, sayang.

Maka ketika aku menuliskan rasa aku ini, mengingatkan aku kembali dengan pelukan dan ciumanmu.

Dengannya aku terus melangkah satu-satu.

Tabah.

Dan gembira ;-)

InsyaAllah, ameen..

Demi semua yang aku jalani bersamamu
Kuingin engkau jadi milikku
Kuingin kau disampingku
Tanpa dirimu ku hanya manusia tanpa cinta
Dan hanya dirimu yang bisa
Membawa surga dlm hatiku

Ku ingin engkau menjadi milikku
Aku akan mencintaimu
Menjagamu selama hidupku
Dan aku kan berjanji
Hanya kaulah yang kusayangi
Ku akan setia di sini
Menemani…

Sentuhanmu
Bagaikan tangan sang dewi cinta
Yang berhiaskan bunga asmara
Dan membuatku tak kuasa

Ku ingin engkau menjadi milikku
Aku akan mencintaimu
Menjagamu selama hidupku
Dan aku kan berjanji
Hanya kaulah yg kusayangi
Ku akan setia di sini
Menemani…

Di setiap arung gerakmu
Tersimpan di hati kecilku
Bahawa dirimu terindah untukku

Ku ingin engkau menjadi milikku
Aku akan mencintaimu
Menjagamu selama hidupku
Dan aku kan berjanji
Hanya kaulah yang kusayangi
Ku akan setia di sini
Menemani…

Selama ku masih bisa bertahan
Selama ku masih bisa bernafas
Selama Tuhan masih mengizinkan
Kuingin selalu menjagamu
X4

Selama ku masih bisa bertahan
Selama ku masih bisa bernafas

Terima kasih Tuhan..terima kasih sayang..

p/s: Selamat menyambut hari jumaat ;-)

letto- sandaran hati

2009-01-18T15:50:00.001+08:00

Let you be a player, my darling
So you come to me, a tired you
Then let me be an actor, who
Become anyone you need me to

I love you with fear
In my every breath
The optimism I have, my dear
Is therefore saved for my death

It claims for our lives, this love
One I’m accustomed to
Once it breaks I’ll live
Because I have to

But.

Let you not be a player
Thus not an actor, I am
Then I, then all, this love
Is, I don’t know-

I don't know.

mcanoy

2009-01-14T08:28:00.001+08:00

Aku tak fikir zionis sebodoh itu untuk dengan telus bersetuju dengan kita yang memboikot barangan mereka.

Kita perang, ya?

Aku gusar pedangku masih tumpul. Sementara aku dengan malu-malu, sedikit-sedikit mengasah pedang aku, aku fikir tiada patah balik lagi untuk laku ini.

Zionis jahanam dan Tuhan, izinkan aku supaya takkan tarik balik ayat aku ini.

not all cloudy, not all rainbows

2009-01-08T08:46:00.000+08:00

Semalam aku tiba-tiba rindukan kelas nihongo.

Kerja promoter di parkson rawang taklah lengang dan sempoi sokmo, sebenarnya. Bagus jugak; aku betul-betul rasa ada kerja sebab ada tanggungjawab. Tapi kejap-kejap ‘awak ni cute lah’, ‘dik, nak no tepon boleh’, ‘awak penah berlakon tak? Nak cuba?’, ‘betul ke awak ni 20? Tipulah’- Haha. Biarlah, asalkan aku dapat kerja dan, ya, digajikan.

Tapi semalam time aku tunggu mama kat luar lepas habis kerja sambil maen hp, seorang lelaki rambut hampir botak, kulit agak gelap berjalan dari belakang aku yang sedang duduk, tiba-tiba cuba merampas hp aku dengan sekali tarik. Aku terkejut; terus genggam hp aku tak lepas. Dia langsung tak menoleh, takut aku dapat lihat mukanya. Dengan separuh berlari dia tinggalkan aku sambil terus dapatkan kawannya yang dah ready atas motor. Motor biasa, EX5 mungkin. Nombor plat WHI…(aku tak sempat cam nombor) terus meluncur masuk jalan raya. Aku hanya sempat ber-‘aih’ dan syukur aku dan hp tak apa-apa. Tak sangka aku akan ada pengalaman hampir kena ragut. Hasif yang ada sama-sama dengan mama marah sungguh, dia suruh aku describe peragut-peragut tu.

Negaraku, tanah tumpahnya darahku.

p/s: selamat hari lahir mama sayang, 0701 ;-)

PMR

2008-12-30T19:21:00.000+08:00

Ia adalah hari yang menyeronokkan.

Namun lain dari pagi biasa aku bangun lambat dengan rasa kekurangan sesuatu. Mungkin kerana malam tadi aku tidur agak lambat. Sudah dua hari begini. Sambil merenung tangan kanan dan kiri yang berbintik merah. Empat bintik semuanya, kalau aku letakkan kedua-dua tanganku sebelah menyebelah seakan-akan membentuk buruj segi empat. Ah, apalah. Aku kan kuat, sakit apanya.

Aisyah pun bangun lambat. Semalam dia tak makan. Cuak menunggu result, sampai berjangkit pada aku. Tapi pagi ni dia masih bangun lambat. Aku mandi dulu dan kejutkan dia. Sebab katanya result keluar pukul dua petang. Masih ada masa untuk bangun lambat. Aku sengih aje. Bertuah punya budak.

Tapi kalau ikutkan sekolah aku, pukul 10 pagi result dah keluar. Makanya aku berjaya desak dia supaya keluar awal. Kalau betul result keluar pukul dua, sementara tu boleh singgah cyber café sekejap. Mama pun dah tau perangai aku yang suka ambil kesempatan. Well, mana-mana yang boleh, kata aku. Jadi pukul 12 tengahari lebih kurang, kami keluar ke sekolah.

Dan seperti yang sudah dijangka, result keluar pukul 2 petang. Lepas berjumpa dengan beberapa orang cikgu dan kawan-kawan aisyah kami ke cyber café. Sempat kawan-kawan pakwe aisyah (ehem ehem) mengusik dia sebelum kami keluar dari sekolah.

Dalam dua lebih kami ke sekolah semula. Setepatnya hampir pukul 3 petang. Selepas aku check semua email dan websites dan account status dan buatkan Friendster untuk aisyah. Aku katakan pada dia, kan senang kalau semua result boleh disemak online. Jimat petrol, masa dan air liur. Sekolah mesia kolot. Haha. Dia kata aku gila, mana boleh macam tu.

Masa ambil result, ramai yang dah balik rumah. Cikgu aisyah main teka-teki dengan dia sebelum bagitau yang dia dapat 8A dan katakan yang dia sayangkan aisyah. ‘I love u’, kata cikgunya. Fuhh, romantik. Aku pun nak gitu gak. Haha. Tapi macam biasa, bila aku katakan yang aku ni kakaknya mereka rata-rata tak percaya. Kecik lah, nampak muda lah, sempoi lah. Emm, iye aku memang comel. Hehe.

Balik dari sekolah kami singgah kedai sebab mama suruh beli ikan, ayam dan sayur. Ayam tak ada. Petang-petang macam ni biasanya ayam memang dah habis. Aku belanja aisyah vanilla coke yang dia suka, kemudian ajak makan kat isma tapi dia tak nak pulak. Katanya maybe mama nak masak kat rumah. Aku kata okay.

On the way balik kami lalu jalan kecil dekat taman perumahan. Aku katakan pada dia yang aku nak menjerit. Dia kata kalau pergi ke air terjun kem pelekai, akan lalu jalan kecil yang sekelilingnya tasik, best kalau nak menjerit. Aku senyum dan duga-duga berani sendiri bila nampak tasik, kemudian aku kata pada dia aku betul-betul mau jerit. Dia kata nak jerit apa..??

‘Adik aku dapat 8A woiiiii…!!!!’ Aku jerit dua kali.

‘Aku dapat 8A woiii….!!!’

‘Aku memang pandai woiii…!!!’

Haha.

‘Aisyah perasan woiiii…!!!’ Mana boleh aku bagi can pada dia.

Kemudian kami gelak sama-sama, sampai rumah. Aku teringin nak tau, berapa orang yang dengar kami menjerit. Hehe.

genap lagi 2 bulan~

2008-12-27T14:42:00.001+08:00

Erm, dah nak masuk tahun baru.

Bulan terakhir tahun ni banyak merakamkan kebisuan aku. Terlalu banyak bercampur aduk sehingga kadang-kadang aku tak tahu lagi mana satu untuk aku percaya. Jadi aku akhirnya diam, langsung menyimpan senyap semua haru-biru celaru. Sehingga untuk mendoakan apa pun aku sendiri kurang pasti.

Kalau aku katakan aku tak takut, itu adalah pembohongan paling besar. Segenap denyutan nadi jadi saksi pemikiran aku yang berterabur. Terlalu banyak perasaan ini, mendiamkan aku dan membuatkan aku sepertinya tidak endahkan apa-apa lagi. Padahal, padahal..Tuhan, Kau maha tahu apa yang aku rasakan.

Aku mahu beritahumu, terlalu banyak. Mahu menemuimu, terlalu ingin. Mahu mendengarmu, terlalu selalu. Namun kadang-kadang aku tak pasti siapa aku padamu. Dan tak pasti sama ada aku patut atau tidak melakukan denganmu apa yang aku mahu. Dan sebab itu aku mengekalkan jarak ini.

Tapi sesungguhnya. Sesungguhnya..aku tersangat sayangkanmu.

Kata orang, jika kita sayangkan seseorang, kita harus lepaskannya pergi. Jika dia datang semula, maksudnya dia memang tercipta untuk kita. Tetapi jika dia tak datang semula, maksudnya dia tak pernah tercipta untuk kita. Dalam kata lain, jodoh tak ke mana. Erm.

Hujan turun mencurah-curah, untuk waktu yang sebentar. Kemudian di luar bercahaya semula. Hujan kali ini sangat sebentar nampaknya. Tuhan, bau hujan ini sangat wangi. AnginMu juga menyegarkan hamba. Terima kasih, hamba akan cuba bersabar.

memoir seorang guru, azizi abdullah

2008-12-12T20:08:00.000+08:00

Hujan masih belum berhenti. Tadi lepas aku dan aisyah selamat pulang ke rumah dari cyber café, hujan sepertinya sudah berhenti. Tak selebat sewaktu aku dan aisyah masih dalam perjalanan ke cyber café lewat tengahari tadi; sehingga habis lencun pakaian kami. Sesampainya di cyber café, aisyah berteduh sebentar di bawah bumbung hadapan kedai itu sambil memerah bajunya, manakala aku yang memboncengnya lebih bertuah; baju seluarku tidaklah sebasah mana. Bila kufikirkan semula, entah kegilaan apa agaknya yang membuatkan aku masih berdegil ingin ke cyber café, sehingga sanggup membiarkan adik perempuan aku berhujan sehingga kuyup sebegitu. Baru sekarang terasa menyesal adakah berguna agaknya..?

Namun soalan-soalan itu masih belum mahu hilang. Dan belum pula berjawapan. Sebelum ke cyber café aku rasa agak mual memikirkan bahawa aku mungkin akan hanya menyakitkan lagi diri sendiri merenung skrin komputer buat kesekiaan kalinya. Dan selepas pulang dari sana apa yang aku fikir akan berlaku telah berlaku. Seperti kembali ke titik satu aku merenung sebentar siling bilik, sambil mengeratkan lilitan selimut tika aku merasakan badan aku semakin panas seperti tanda orang sedang demam. Fikiran aku kalut dan buntu; terasa diri sekali lagi seperti didesak melakukan keputusan gila itu. Dan selepas beristighfar aku memanggil-manggil nama Tuhan dan meminta Dia menenangkanku.

Walaupun aku penat dan aku fikir bahawa aku akan mengantuk dan terus lelap sejurus selepas aku berselimut, tapinya tidak begitu. Sekejap-sekejap aku mengalihkan badan ke kanan dan ke kiri sebelum mataku terbeliak semula. Mencongak-congak betapa banyak lagi waktu yang aku ada untuk menunaikan solat asar sebelum masuknya maghrib. Fikiran aku beransur-ansur jernih semula, aku tutupkan kekalutan itu dengan kemaafan dan bergerak ke bilik air untuk mandi dan solat. Dengan langkahan sedikit lemah ke bilik air aku berdoa semoga Tuhan sentiasa bersama-sama aku.

Usai solat aku terdengar rancangan di radio apa entah, suara seorang ustaz mengulas ayat 90 surah albaqarah. Dia bercerita tentang bagaimana nabi sayang itu Allah pelihara dari setiap onar dan cubaan membunuhnya. Terdetik di hatiku, ‘ah..nabi sangat bertuah. Doa-doa Allah memelihara diriku juga.’

Di hadapanku kain penutup almari buku terselak dan terangkat di atas, melihatkan susunan buku-buku di rumahku. Bertimbun buku-buku yang hampir berhabuk; jarang disentuh ahli keluargaku yang bukanlah ulat buku tegar semuanya. Dari buku-buku rujukan sekolah PMR, SPM dan pengajian mama, ke fail-fail setiap ahli keluarga yang memuatkan sijil-sijil dan dokumen lain yang penting, sehinggalah ke buku-buku agama dan novel. Tiba-tiba aku terlihat sebuah buku bertajuk ‘Memoir Seorang Guru’ karya Azizi Abdullah.

Melalui mama aku mencintai penulis ini dan apa yang ditulisnya, getus hatiku. Tapi entah mengapa baru sekarang aku perasan di antara banyak-banyak novel yang tersusun di dalam almari itu bukunya setia menanti pembaca. Menanti aku.

Menyelak, mukasurat pertama terus memberitahu aku tentang tema novelnya tu- keberkatan. Terus aku merefleksi pada keadaan diriku. Segala kekayaan, kehormatan, kecantikan dan kepandaian diri aku ini, adakah berkat? Adakah aku berkat pada orang-orang di sekelilingku, bila dengan kehadiranku mereka merasa senang hati dan sejuk lapang, cukup serba-serbi dan gembira?

Dari dasar hati aku hanya menginginkan yang sederhana. Selalu aku risau dengan kegembiraan yang tak pernah hilang, kekayaan yang melimpah-ruah dan tidur yang sentiasa lena. Sebab mati itu bila-bila, sedih itu tiba-tiba dan hancurnya semua sungguh mampu sekelip mata.

Mampukah kau janjikan padaku esok matahari pasti terbit?

Maka mari kepada yang mampu ;-)

reader's digest, august 2008

2008-12-06T11:05:00.000+08:00

Kau dan aku, ketika berbicara tentang masa depan, takkan berkisah tentang lepu luka dan akhiran. Semuanya adalah pelangi dan jika ia benar-benar berkesumat maka ketika itulah kita hadapinya.

Aku mahu kau tahu yang aku menginginkan sangat banyak denganmu. Sehingga aku fikir hanya Tuhan yang mampu menyelamatkanku berkaitan urusanku denganmu. Kerna dalam keinginan yang sangat banyak kau tahu aku kadang-kadang membenci diriku yang punya banyak kesingkatan. Dan kau berbicara dengan lembut dengan mengatakan hikmahnya ialah segalanya adalah milik Tuhan.

Ringkasku, denganmu Dia mengizinkan keringanan buatku. Alhamdulillah.

Dan melihat mereka dengan identiti sangat pejal sejujurnya membuatkan aku berasa sangat bangga dengan darah ini. Mengelukan aku dalam tafakur syukur di perbaringan tadi, walaupun dalam masa yang sama aku kesal dengan khilaf yang masih memerlukan pembetulan.

Namun, untuk saat ini dan selamanya insyaAllah. Kau, aku dan mereka menjadi manusia; adalah suatu yang amat menggembirakan.

Ampuni kami dan terima kasih, Tuhan.

Terima kasih banyak-banyak.

i don't know

2008-12-04T13:38:00.001+08:00

p/s: selamat hari lahir ke 14, aqil aslam bin amir jamalullail : ) dan selamat hari raya haji 1429H..

bambino episode 3

2008-11-25T05:36:00.000+08:00

あたしは、まだわかいですよね？とてもたくさん勉強することがあるんです。(I’m still young, am I? I have so much more things to learn.)

Entering into a world mixed with pros and more experienced people, かんたんじゃないですね？(is not easy, isn’t it?) even though I have all the confidence it takes into it, I still don’t deserve it, isn’t it? They must have put all their effort into it, thus deserve the credit and the right to speak for others. But for me, I have to put in my best effort and wait patiently until the time comes, haven’t I? I still have a long, long way to go. Thus, I should be very careful, don’t hope too much and don’t work too hard.

But, you know. Somehow I feel that I don’t want to give up. Yes, it’s all hard and people see you as an immature kid who simply feel very proud of herself, but is actually empty inside. Lack of knowledge, very little experience. Walking around with so much confidence..things can go wrong, don’t they? If they really go wrong, what will I do?

I am stupid, aren’t I? At the end of the day, I might just cry and feeling all useless again. And while I try to crawl back to the point where I have started, I have to bear all the shame, am I?

Mm..さあね (I wonder).

Thinking about all these, always make me stand still. Always make me cry and they seem that they have no end to it. I keep on drifting..drifting..drifting. Undecided, and..immobile.

That’s why, even though it’s hard, I slowly try to walk in the direction of my dreams. They seem so far away and impossible, but..I guess I might just give them a try.

You are my witness, God. I’m in Your hand.

liar game; episod 2

2008-11-18T12:47:00.000+08:00

knowing more doesnt always mean doing better.

teruskan berusaha, yo!

p/s: aku da ada fs, skang fb pulak. tau betapa femes aku akan jadi lepas ni? ha ha ha (gelak riak)

final fantasy VII: the advent children

2008-11-17T16:45:00.002+08:00

selepas dia merapuk begini:

"fikiran yang aku racuni
hati yang aku cemari
perangai cabul yang aku jalangi
pekat mengalir dalam badan
menemaniku sampai mati

rahmat yang berterabur
murah dan dilupakan
maaf yang percuma
belum tinggal kenangan
takutkah akan keampunan?

akulah itu, seorang manusia
yang sempat merasa berdosa
dan tak dijamin syurga"

aku katakan padanya, sebagaimana tifa kepada cloud, 'zuruzuru zuruzuru. zuruzuru zuruzuru' (*terjemahan: elak elak. elak elak)

rasanya dia tersedar. aku harap, semuanya bertambah ringan baginya selepas itu. ameen.