with balloons, balloon pump, magic color pens and a lil' bit of time and thought

*le pompa bensin on jangan lupa namaku

this new fan can be quite cold. its blue and its awesome.

i never knew there's a person with the same name as mine a great vocalist. when i went to KJK this year there's a girl who carries my name and is also brilliant. and her teacher said she has a friend by the same name and they are constantly competing at school.

and then i had been reminded by a girl of same name carrying the head girl post two years after me at school.

can't name my own daughter by my name now, though :P

i have learnt that some people can be (oh my Allah) so annoying but also i have learnt that its not the way to treat them the way they deserve.

because they are just a small part of a grandest scheme of life, which means, well, they are not that important anyway.

dont know why lately i have been thinking about what i really should do in my life. i envy those who are masters in their field and are enjoying every bit of it.

i returned to my blank paper and mechanical pencil everytime, even though i am not very good at it.

also because i need to plan for my life projected 5 years beyond by which me myself have no idea what should it look like, make me constantly wonder.

i guess i just needed a time break. i know that my life hasnt been meaningless; they are just tiring a lot of times. i need to reset my objectives and start running. so much of conflicting responsibilities and interests, of loves and obligations.

i might start to lepak more at the kedai kopi ttfc after this, with a borrowed squash racket and its small ball. really, i have been practicing.

quite a new year resolution, i guess?

temporary

there's this smell in the air when they are happy. the colour around us tinges when they laugh, i felt i could sketch them into pictures hung permanently on my mind. the time while waiting for our lunch and we played true or dare and mama also joined, and we had to skip the question of "who you hate the most in the house" when it was her turn. we made fun of each other and mama was coolest about it. and their faces when we sat real close to the cinema screen and we were eating popcorns and we laughed when Max punched Charlie after he succeeded bringing Atom on his own and spent the rest of the previous night trying to dig it out.

and after that we stopped by tutti frutti and made our own ice cream cup with chocolate, strawberry and vanilla flavors sprinkled with nuts, colorful ring cereals, M&Ms, chocolate rice, choc chips and marshmallows. we went back and everyone was smiling and we brought special food for afiq and awin at home. everything was perfect that day. i sat at the back seat on our way home and thought, 'man. i wish we had a bigger car so afiq and awin could join.'

everyone deserved it, the trip to OU. that's what i thought. ahnaf and rais were urging me to bring them earlier this month, and i said we had to postpone because they were still doing the final exams at that time. and when they had finished, we had to postpone it again to the next day because afiq had to use the car to uni. and mama said, 'i also want to watch movie.' which made me quite surprised; i never knew mama would wanted to join.

and it was worth it. i was glad that everyone was happy. later that night we even watched a movie again together at home and we stayed late. He knows how happy they were, how happy i was to see that.

i will reminisce this day, often. it was real nice to see everyone was genuinely happy, even abang and adik.

because everyday is not the same, i never know whether that day will repeat itself.

and i dont know for how long will my presence in my loved ones' lives be relevant, or needed, or longed for.

but for the times that i still have, i'll do whatever i can. just to make you happy. just to make sure you're okay. and You, You know my prayers, i'm sure you do, because they are what i keep on repeating each day. the ones i cried for so You may accept.

with all my humbleness, please accept. please.

im having the fever again. and im experiencing the same thing again. so please remind me, on why i am doing this. please remind me, to wait just a little bit more. please remind me, that it wont be long.

it wont be long, right?

p.s.

remember the story of the Prophet when he saw an orphan girl with torn clothes crying when she saw other kids with new beautiful clothes on hajj celebration day? she went to the kid and asked her why but she kept on crying without even looked up. she said that her dad died in a war with the Prophet and her mom had remarried with a man who deserted her. the Prophet's face changed and he pat the girl's head and brought her home with all the good things he and his wife, Aisyah could give.

just be like him.

thank you and sorry for everything, everyone.

white, light and beautiful as snow~

it is a quiet friday.

i woke up from bed at 8am and still managed to slowly sip a drink while sitting at the living room before i went to take my bath.

but i did left the last night's comforter and two small pillows unscathed on the floor. and the mug after the drink, too. i'll deal with them later then i guess.

the clouds were very beautiful this morning. they were fluffy like cottons and they were arranged beautifully, as if someone stretched and lay them to settle and floated on the sky. rays of lights were trying to penetrate through the holes between the cotton clouds and the dark blue morning sky mixed harmonically with light, creating contours of color tones changing from white to dark blue. it reminded me of the clouds in australia on an autumn day, they just make you numb in awe, and somehow, tranquility.

i never knew i would cry that hard last night. i never knew he'd cried with me. i was presumptuous that i could hold back my tears and appear as if i didnt care, as if i was strong.

as if i was okay. although both of us were damn sure i wasnt.

and when he told me how he felt, what he wanted, which is actually what we both wanted, and how so darn hard it is for us to achieve, i didnt know why - i just started to bawl so hard i couldnt even utter a word.

and he kept calling my name, and after a while, all i could say was 'i love you'. because it is all that matters.

it is all that really matters.

and after he explained everything, all that's left for us is to be strong to be together. that we must fight, and be patient. that we must be happy, and be understanding.

and he made me laughed again, very shortly after that, with his words about me having a red nose like a clown. and a reminder again, of how he was sorry and how much he loves me.

i did the same.

when i was in the lrt this morning, i feel that there's silence inside me.

the silence that smiles, calmly, strongly.